Professional Moron Sell Out

“Buy or die!” is our friendly motto.

We fund ourselves, right, so we needed to sell out in order to make sure our survival is going to happen. Now now, we know this is extreme, but there has been a recession and if we’re to pay our annual fee of £20 to keep Professional Moron running we need to make room for the occasional slice of mindless propaganda. This may seem hypocritical of us as, after all, we’ve stated many, many, MANY times how much we despise the corporate nature of the world and advertising in general. We hate advertising so much we once threw an egg at a Subway Sandwich poster in protest. This was in Manchester city centre, and some nearby police men made us wipe the egg mess off with Mr. Wapojif’s mighty sleeves. Needles to say, his jacket and raw egg didn’t make the most pretty sight, nor did his stereotypical impersonation of a copper on the beat, “’ows about, ‘ows about, nowt like bread ‘n’ drippin’ as you beat the shite out of the bloody scumbag proles!”

Anyway, here are some adverts to mollify our dwindling funds and appease our paranoid brains. All we can say is this; these adverts are great and you should, without question, purchase the products from us. For details contact us on our ABOUT page. What ho, Jeeves!


Er soap is the best soap!


We know that most of Professional Moron’s readers stink bad, so we’re being officially sponsored by Er soap, the best soap in the land! Made entirely out of sheep lard and scented with sheesh kebabs, this is the only soap you want to keep you smelling like sheep lard and sheesh kebabs throughout the day! Vital if you wish to pull off that new career as a takeaway food assistant person. You can buy individual Er soap from us at £10 a block, or in bulk at £1,000 for 100 Er soaps. Really, this is the deal of a lifetime! Buy Er soap today and rid yourself of foul acne and nose grease!



If you’re a SpongeBob SquarePants fan then you’ll be delighted to know we’re offering thousands of sea sponges at discount prices! Most are around the price range of £300 per sponge, although, sadly, non are capable of speech and jollification. We blame this on not enough nuclear pollution in our oceans. Give it another 100 years and we should all be awash with giant, mutated talking fish etc.

A Wild Cat

Keep well back!
Keep well back!

This handsome devil is up for grabs. He’s a wild cat who goes by the name of Barbara; he’s prone to psychotic violence, which can be attributed to his survival instinct and an erstwhile heroin addiction. When not hunting food he sleeps 12 hours a day, demolishes anything around him with his urge to scratch, and will often bring home carcasses of cows, deer, mountain goats, and wild boars. Price is negotiable, but we’re starting at £50k.

This Breakfast

Hearty, healthy, and still with not too much mould!
Hearty, healthy, and still with not too much mould!

Mr. Wapojif ordered this thing about a month ago and, upon its arrival, he deemed his survival more important than the food consumption. However, if you’re interested in putting your life on the line by eating this then feel free to send us £20 and we’ll mail it off to you! It’s still fairly edible (there’s not too much mould). What are you waiting for? BUY IT!

This Knife

You call that a knife?
You call that a knife?

This is Mr. Wapojif’s favourite knife; it has been in his possession since 1953 and has helped him through many meals. Sadly, due to the recession, he now has to sell it. This remarkable piece of memorabilia is only £13,000 and will assist you in your culinary dissection for many years to come. The blade isn’t as sharp as it used to be, but it is sturdy and is also useful as a nose picking implement.

Have some gibberish to dispense with?

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