Review: The 85th Academy Awards

Singer Adele wins an Oscar for “Skyfall”, but celebration turned to terror on the fateful evening!

Okay, so it was the Oscars last night and, you know, people won stuff, others clapped a lot, Jennifer Lawrence fell over, Daniel Day-Lewis made a crack to Meryl Streep about how he felt he should have played Maggie Thatcher and Streep Lincoln, they turned down my offer for OSCAR LASAGNE, Anne Hathaway burst into tears, and Jack Nicholson swung from the chandeliers. Indeed, it was all rather jolly, it has to be said, and one of the much better Hollywood pat backing moments.

Remember when, back in 1997, Titanic swept all before it like a morbidly obese iceberg overflowing in a giant bath. Then there was the whole Lord of the Rings saga whipping up something like 17 million Oscars between the three films. Tsk. So Argo won the best film and that’s good, and there were some decent inclusions in the mix.

Makes a bladdy change, Hollywood! At the end of the show the gathered stars turned to one another applauding their brilliance as the glitz and glamour literally became too much for the Oscar trophies, so the poor trophy things all imploded in terror.

This caused everyone to laugh heartily, and everyone slapped each other on the back even more heartilier.  But horror awaited them all!

The Oscars 2013

Following these festivities, it was then the alien invasion began. The aliens, residents of the planet Psychopath (headed by the terrifying leader King Psychopath XIIIIIIIIII) were marauding through the local vicinities in their destructive Space Automobiles.

Blaring from loudspeakers came continuous, vitriolic berating of the Hollywood system; it turns out they felt the middling Prometheus should have won EVERY Oscar in EVERY category, and boy were they out to wreak their vengeance! Here’s a scene from early on in the devastation.

The Alien Invasion commences with gusto! The horror!
The Alien Invasion commences with gusto! The horror!

And here’s Tom Cruise fleeing the 85h Academy Awards ceremony.

Cruise legs it.
Cruise legs it.

The aliens, when it became clear that they weren’t going to get their way (basically as everyone involved in the Oscar decision making progress was either dead, transmutated into 10ft hamsters, or was lost in the confusion) the aliens decided it would be a good idea to abduct some people (this is what aliens are best at, after all).

And so off they went, whisking Jessica Chastain and some other arbitrary women, men, furniture, and other apparel (the aliens have difficulty telling humans apart from other humans and stuff in general) off back into deep space before the press got wind of the mayhem. Here’s an exclusive shot of the carnage.

How dare they!
How dare they!

And, just as soon as they arrived, they were off. All they left behind was a scene of complete and utter annihilation costing around $77 squillion to fix. And you know what?

Prometheus isn’t even that good. Bloody sycophants. Coming down here, taking our movie stars… King Psychopath XIIIIIIIIII, you and your kind are not welcome back!


Dispense with some gibberish!

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