Exclusive: 85th Academy Awards Recipe Special!

Pretty shiny, eh?

It’s the Oscars this evening and, like with most ceremonies, there will be a variety of food stuffs to keep the pampered guests pampered, and to give them something to do whilst they sit there bored listening to the show’s host waffling on with amazing in-jokes and other gags only Americans would get. “You jealous you no there, Professional Moron?” Whatever, people, we’re just saying. Well, writing. Anyway, there will be food at The 85th Academy Awards is what we’re trying to suggest, and we’d like to add a last minute addition to the menu. Just what can it be? Oh my, we can’t tell from this post title! Never fear, stupid readers, we have all the information!

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Lasagne. It could already be on the list, you know, but there is a chance it’s been left off as it stinks a bit (in a good way), is usually sort of sloppy and splatty to eat, and the huge gloves of garlic included in the mix (3 per serving) would presumably make all the polished up, dress wearing, tuxedo sporting stars fearful of food eating accidents. However, lasagne really should be on the list so we’ve organised a lasagne dish for the ceremony – Oscar Lasagne! Now it’s themed around the Oscars through a number of designs. For a start, on the cheese pasta topping layer, cheese will have been strategically placed to spell out “Oscar”. Or, if the guest’s a narcissist, they can have their name emblazoned on the lasagne instead. Classy, eh? Too right! Only the best for the Hollywood crowd. For maxiumum luxury, as the stars enter the Oscar’s arena building thing, they will be handed a plate of the Oscar Lasagne each, given a plastic knife and fork, and a napkin. Guests will eat off their lap as best as they can (we realise this might be a bit awkward) during the ceremony. Sounds blissful, right?

It'll look something like this. Accurate portion size (maybe a bit more as it's Hollywood after all).
It’ll look something like this. Accurate portion size (maybe a bit more as it’s Hollywood after all).

The best bit will be the inclusion of random parts of old Oscar trophies (discarded over the years) spread equally randomly through each portion! Our very own Mr. Wapojif figured, “Nothing says ‘I’m a star!’ more than chomping down on Oscar’s elbow, shredding a tooth, or having to dash off to hospital with Oscar’s pedestal stuck in your throat!” Now some of the other Professional Moron staff suggested this, “Er, this doesn’t sound a very safe meal, Mr. Wapojif!” To which he replied, “Oh yeah? I beg to differ, but to alleviate your fears each guest will be given a warning about the Lasagne’s lethal nature. Something like, ‘Yo, sup? Careful when you eat the lasagne it may contain a few lumps of gold/metal. We assure you this is entirely safe and will not result in any dental problems or sudden rushes to hospital.’ Happy? Good!” So expect our verdict on the Oscars in tomorrow’s post. Hurrah!

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