Invention: The Great White Shark Machine

This is a prototype being driven by Mr. Wapojif this morning just off Blackpool Pleasure Beach.

We’ve been going on a lot recently about Great White Sharks, we know. We can see your expressions right now as you gaze at the post title, “Not another bloody Great Whit…” well it’s happened, alright? Mr. Wapojf had an amazing thought about people wanting to SWIM with these mass murdering lunatics. People have always been, like, “Well you need a cage, innit?” Other, more insane people, have taken to swimming with Great Whites alone and afterwards claiming, “See they’re not that dangerous!” having spent a mere hour in the water with them. Try doing that 24/7 365, you bloody idiots, every other creature in the ocean has to and they tend to steer VERY clear of them. We can guarantee you you’d need more than a bar of Kendal Mint Cake to fend off a hungry Great White in full on attack mode. And why? Well just look at the picture! Blood curderlingly… curdilingly… curdurlingerly… curberdingerly… it is very scary.

Anyway, you call that a Great White (the picture above)? This is a Great White (the picture above)! It’s our prototype which Mr. Wapojif built just this morning out of a mixture of salt, aspic, and loads of dead cockroaches. Pretty realistic, eh? Well he did get a C in Design Technology, you know? Still, the general plan for this contraption is to use it as a means of allowing really rich people to swim around with the monstrous beasts of the ocean. Would it work? Probably. You’d simply clamber into the machine, strap yourself in, and then be blasted from a cannon on the shore into shark infested water. You’d then use the intuitive controls ton guide yourself amongst the Great Whites, nudging them, barging them, attack prey and hurtling 20ft out of the ocean in the air. Of course if the machine broke down then you’d be in trouble. A simple “remove oneself from the machinery and swim back to shore” takes on a different meaning when a dozen or so 20ft monsters are swimming around you. Still, if this did happen you’d be safe in the knowledge we’re happy to fully refund you your money. Sadly we also wouldn’t be able to fund any operations to have fake limbs attached etc. We’re nice but not that nice, okay? The cost per swim? £100 (probably about $150 when converted for you American lot). The thrill of a lifetime? You bet! We should mention, though, Great Whites are often very fond of taking chunks out of each other in rages. Cool!

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