Cheese is ace, although we’re limiting our intake for the time being. Mr. Wapojif gained 13 stone in weight over Christmas, and does not wish to add to his current Morbidly Obese status.

No, so cheese is done away with. As is his daily intake of a litre of melted ice cream and 15 donuts. Still, this doesn’t mean we can’t think about how gosh darned weird Mozzarella is. Sure, it’s great on pizza and all that when it’s melted.

BUT! Have you seen it in its pre-melted form? It’s not so much a cheese, and more a globule from some alien planet. You can imagine John Hurt in a spacesuit hovering over the thing in 1979, wondering just what the hell he’s discovered.

Then Ridley Scott goes and terrifies the cheese out of you.

This is what Mozzarella is; a cruel, harsh mistress from some cruel, harsh planet in deep space. Irrespective of this, it’s one of the most celebrated cheeses on the planet. For shame!

Adding to the confusion is it looks like a boiled egg. Quite why the boiled egg industry hasn’t sued the Mozzarella industry is beyond us here at Professional Moron.

Something with such a blatant disregard for food standard regulations deserves to be flogged with marmite. I mean, can you imagine a hotel somewhere making a mistake and serving you a ball of Mozzarella in the morning instead of a boiled egg?!

The consequences could be fatal! We urge all of you out there to insist, when you next stay in a hotel, that a Mozzarella Investigator visit during your stay.

This will ensure no boiled egg travesties. Other travesty moments in the boiled egg world: incorrect toast soldier dudes for dunking in, and overly cooked boiled egg, so the middle bit is rock solid and pointless.

Anyway, we thought we’d vent our anger this evening. We didn’t really have time to think of a proper post.

We do work, you know?

We’ve been busy all day with other stuff. Don’t be so ungrateful.