5 Things We Expect From Sandwiches In 2014

It’s thyme to take the sandwich into the 21st century!

Okay, so it’s 2014 and there are all manner of technological shenanigans going on. We don’t give a damn about curved screens on mobile phones, curved TVs, or 3D printers printing off 3D food and/or 3D curtains. What we want to see this year is the humble sandwich stepping it up a notch and entering the modern, digital era. What do we mean by this? Well, the sandwich market has been fairly stagnant for decades. Tacos shook the industry to its core, but the Subway Sandwiches chain re-established the natural order of things. Which is this: Sandwiches = bread and stuff inside of it. So sandwiches are here to stay, there’s no debating about this, but they could do with some inspired new ideas to get taste buds wagging again. This is where technology enters the fray; if some div can make a mobile phone do stuff such as take pictures, then they can transform the humble sandwich into a state of the art technological extravaganza!

Think of the possibilities! Okay then, we see you sneer. They laughed at Einstein when he said the world was flat. They laughed at Christopher Columbus when he fell over that time. They laughed at J.K. Rowling when her first draft read “Barry Potter”. Well, we’ll do the hard work here and give you a slice of prescience. Onward, comrades!

 1 – Artificial Intelligence

"Thank you for purchasing me! You look lovely today. Did you watch the game last night? You could do with losing some weight."
“Thank you for purchasing me! You look lovely today. Did you watch the game last night? You could do with losing some weight.”

Ready made sandwiches are a very handy form of quick food consumption. If you’re an office worker, or a lazy student, you can pick up some sandwich for a few quid and enjoy it with relish. However, they really don’t say much, these sandwiches, and as many people eat them in solitary it would be nice to have a bit of conversation over your breakfast/snack/lunch/pig out session.

With an inbuilt AI chip, the sandwiches would sit on their supermarket shelves yelling at you. “OI! You, the ugly fat one, buy me! I am so very tasty!” And you’d be all, “Hmmm… tuna and cucumber. I’m not sure, I don’t like the figures for mercury content in fish. I’ll pass.” And the Tuna and Cucumber sandwich would go ballistic, “WTF!? Mercury content – lies! Propaganda invented by the salmon favouring mass media. I’m the one for you, buddy. I’m low fat, high fibre, high protein. At £2 you can’t go wrong.” And you’d dither, “Erm… but what about the salt content?” And Tuna and Cucumber would retort, “Mate, don’t be a wuss! Come on, you only live once!” And you’d go, “Yeah, but I don’t want a stroke through excessive salt intake. What’s your salt content?” Tuna and Cucumber, “I’m not telling.” You, “You’re required by law to tell me!” Tuna and Cucumber, “Errrghhhh. Fine! My salt content is 4.0g.” You, “4g! As a fully grown adult male I’m supposed to have no more than 6g per day!” Tuna Sandwich, “Yeah, and that’ll leave 2g left for the rest of the day.” You, “But it’s 8am in the morning, you’re my potential breakfast. I could end up hitting 10g today if I’m not careful. What am I supposed to do, not eat anything else after you?” Tuna and Cucumber, “Yeah, fatty, you could do with losing weight.” You, “YOU SOB! COME HERE!” And then the security guards would descend upon you with truncheons and tazers as you assault the sandwich cubicle in a rage.  For the sandwich industry it would be a boom as CCTV footage would record arbitrary members of the public physically attacking their sandwiches. Lawsuit ahoy!

2 – An Education

Sandwich University.
Sandwich University in Skegness, England. Few humans have ever seen and lived to tell the tale.

Conversational pleasantries of sandwiches aside, we’re sick and tired of the stupidity of your average sandwich. It is about time they were all put through fundamental education, with the brightest sparks reaching the upper echelons of didactic realisation (university). The most expensive sandwiches must be taught to:

  • Understand quantum physics,
  • Recite Shakespeare’s sonnets from memory – verbatim,
  • Have a detailed knowledge of Beethoven’s music when juxtaposed to the Theory of Relativity (and we don’t care this doesn’t make any sense and is impossible – just make up some insane theory. The more insane the better),
  • Be on speaking terms with the Queen of England,
  • Be able to work out basic mathematical stuff most normal people forgot about a decade or two ago (such as 2+5 and all that).

3- Terminator Mode

"O'reet?"
“O’reet?”

If you lost your precious sandwich at any point, the Terminator Mode would make the sandwich “Go Arnold”. Putting this in layman’s terms: it would absolutely not stop, until you are full. In other words, it would hunt you down mercilessly using blackmail, propaganda, brute violence, and illegal security breaches in order to return to you. Nifty, eh?

4 – Ravishing Good Looks

Bling!
Bling!

Sandwiches have to look great. A lot don’t, if we’re being honest about it. Superficial of us, indeed, but then when you’re paying a few quid for something, it had better look edible. Innit. Those hard earned few quid of ours demand the highest quality. We recommend sandwich companies bling their food stuffs up a notch by adding makeup, bling, deodorant and/or perfume to give the sandwiches an added sheen.

5 – More Spinach

Stuff.
Stuff.

Why isn’t spinach in sandwiches more? We’re confounded by this lack of the stuff. It’s always tomatoes, chicken, tuna, cucumber, cheese, prawns, egg… but no spinach. EVER! This is a travesty of justice and should be corrected post haste. Yurr.

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