Today is International Big Toe Day (IBTD) which goes all out in celebrating the utter brilliance of big toes. In Latin the big toe is known as the Hallux, a word which is kind of close to Halifax (a place in England, Canada, Australia, and also a British bank) but not analogous to haddock. If you said “haddocks” then it would sort of sound like Hallux, if you were a bit of a dumbo, but on the whole Hallux has nothing to do with anything except big toes. Much like IBTD! Now toes are the digits on the foot of a tetrapod (stuff like us – humans). You may have noticed, as a human being, you walk on the soles of your feet – this is know as plantigrade (probably something to do with broccoli). This is also why soul music exists, as it comes from the sole. Allegedly. To confuse matters further there are also fish called sole – they don’t have any musical capacity, but they are popular amongst fish fans.

Big Toe Day celebrates the big toe in many ways. Zealots loft a 30ft papier mâché big toe into the air and chant “BIG TOE! BIG TOE!” over and over, until disturbed onlookers begin to fear for their lives. The giant toe is carried to a local meeting putting and promptly demolished through a series of explosions and fires. Other activities include stamping on random stranger’s feet, painting big toes over the faces of famous individuals (such as Henry VIII, Genghis Khan, Charlie Chaplin, and Keith Chegwin), and yodelling. To put it mildly it’s one of the most terrifyingly surreal festivals on Earth, and you’d do yourself a big favour by ignoring it in its entirety. You have been warned.