A Brief History Of The Pizza Cutter

Pizza
The (useless) pizza cutter.

Think, if you dare, of a thyme when you had no implement with which to successfully slice up a pizza. Horrifying, we know. Alas, there was a moment in history when the pizza cutter simply didn’t exist. What in the name of cripes did anyone do? Did they sit around staring at the pizza, unable to eat it, mouths salivating like a a dog staring at a chicken carcass in a bin which has fallen on its side?

That were back in olden days, of course, so it’s not something we have to worry about now. Truth is, back then, people had to use sledgehammers, chainsaws, shards of debris from nuclear warheads, or pickaxes to hack up their pizza. It wasn’t an uncommon sight, during WWII in particular, to see families using machine guns to cut their pizza into serveable portions.  People we’re an bit stupid in the passed.

In 1971 pizza cutters were invented by Kellogs, who sold the blueprints to pizza manufacturers around the world (for an estimated $90 billion, it’s estimated but known). Kellogs were able to use this money to extensively study why Cornflakes go soggy when you add milk to them. Indeed, they subsequently spent $89 billion ascertaining it had something to do with adding the milk. Sadly for Kellogs Cornflakes fans, it remains a mystery. Once you add the milk, you have an estimated 60 seconds to consume the delicious sugary flakes before they turn into putrid, soggy mush.

The conflict for pizza fans is analogous to the Cornflakes dilemma. Until pizza cutters went mainstream, of course. They now populate restaurants around the world, providing Le Chef with an implement with which to turn his spherical masterpiece into a work of adjacent triangles.

The reality is, somewhat ironically, pizza cutters are almost always crap. Seriously, you try and use one successfully! If you’re in a restaurant all they do is create highly embarrassing moments, such as accidentally sending your pizza flying off the table into a child’s stupid face. Cue high pitched screaming from an irrational mother intent on belabouring you like an outraged walrus. Then you’re sued, jailed, and, in a twist worthy of Oliver Twist herself, you get served knockoff, sub-par pizza as your last meal before your execution by guillotine. Bloody hell. All we wanted was a device with which to slice up pizza!

Have some gibberish to dispense with?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s