Exclusive New Fashion: wHeels!

High heels
Beware the heels!

High heels. They are worn by women whom are seeking to make a point (“I’m short, but this is what I’d look like were I tall!” *clomp* *clomp* *clomp*) and by some men whom wish to make a different point (“I wish I weren’t so goddamn tall!” *clump* *clump* *clump).

If none of the above makes sense, then you’re in luck as neither will our latest insane invention! We focused on fashion for this creation (normally it’s food) as, you know, it’s, like, spring and this calls for all sorts of stupid new clothing items. Such as dungarees. The Hipster movement has turned these into a must have item, and also made playing Mario games much more trendy.

High heels, then. How could you update this monument of perfection? WELL! Leave such shenanigans to Professional Moron! To really update these things you have to go back to antiquity when the Mesopotamians invented the wheel. They also invented an early form of high heels, with human skulls and entrails as a type of robust supporting system. Needless to say, early adopters of High Heels (known as Tuttztuzz to locals, roughly translated into modern vernacular as, “She who wears a horrifying fate of agony with added humiliation”) suffered a horrifying fate of agony. With added humiliation.

These days they’re just as humiliating, really. Why on Earth do women put themselves through such misery? To assuage our sympathy, we decided to make things a bit easier for them. Remember the craze a few years back with kids, where they could get wheels at the bottom of their trainers to slide along? Do the same with heels!

Indeed, wHeels will have a spherical (wheels are usually spherical) wheel attached at the base of the heel. This has the added result of making women appear even taller! Women can, consequently, slide around (much like a roller-skater) in luxury and comfort as they take in the rays (from the Sun) and generally flaunt their stuff. What could be better? Literally nothing!

Disclaimer: In trial runs the tendency for a wearer of the wHeel to plummet face first into cement floors, with bone crunching severity, was duly noted. Despite receiving a warning from the UK’s Trade Standards Institute, Professional Moron expect wHeels to be in store priced £90.99 sometime before May. NB: For your safety we advise you only buy the products. DO NOT wear, or use, them under any circumstances. On pain of a bone crunchingly severe accident!

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