Great TV Shows That Never Were: Freezer (Frasier)

Freezer would have been ICE (twice) the show Frasier was!

Frasier’s a classic TV show, but Freezer would have been a heck of a lot better! We really think the Cheers team missed a brilliant spin-off here, so we’re going to enlighten the world about a glorious missed opportunity.

In Freezer a gifted psychiatrist moves to Seattle after years of drinking beer have led to premature balding. He doesn’t bother following up on his educational and professional successes and, instead, goes into the freezer making industry.

He opens Frasier’s Freezers and buys a batch of second hand fridge freezers from eBay. Hilariously, it soon turns out Frasier doesn’t know squat about the freezer industry, so Frasier enlists his brother Niles Crane and his father Martin to run errands and keep the shop in shape.

Soon Daphne Moon (Keith Moon’s daughter) joins the business but proves to be somewhat useless, mainly sitting about the place performing 30 minute drum solos inbetween bouts of injecting ketamin into her eyebrows.

After months of struggle Frasier’s intellectual prowess kicks in. He’s soon able to understand the freezer buyer mentality of, “Gee whizz, I have food stuffs I want to solidify!” and taps into this market with canny advertising slogans, such as: “HEY! Freeze food stuffs with this thing!” He also implements revolutionary industry deals such as, “Buy One Freezer, Get One Freezer Free!”

Business begins to improve and he contacts the local radio station to run ads, but is flat out rejected by psychopathic producer Roz who considers him to be a pretentious scoundrel. Eventually Frasier gets his way and uses his dramatic voice to voiceover radio jingles such as, “Frasier’s Freezers, where all the freezing happens in the fridge!”, “Buy your fridge freezer from Frasier’s Freezers for all your fridge freezing needs!”, and “As Spinoza was opined in a jaunty aphorism, ‘tis but a nominal postulation to consider the nature of a freezer!” Indeed.

As the years tick by Fraiser gets his head around the industry, whilst making quips about how his ex-wife Lilith is so frosty and emotionless she’d have been a perfect fit! The series concludes with Frasier finally going bald.

Dispense with some gibberish!

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