Oysters are great, right? Whilst certain imbeciles may baulk at this culinary awesomeness, we can only state this is stupid. Cripes, oysters are so great even London created the Oyster Card for public transport!

How one eats an oyster isn’t quite so glorious. One, effectively, needs a small arsenal you’d expect Big Arnie to be packing in a film like Predator. In fact, you’d need a predator (or one of them alien things from Alien) to prise one of these damned things open. Indeed, simply opening an oyster (usually with a blade of some sort) results in a human fatality for every dozen and a half oysters opened. Bloody hell, how’d you like them apples?

How oysters got their name is of particular interest for those who like a tale about obscenities and belligerence. For you see, back before oysters were named, they were feared by restaurant goers. Consequently they remained unnamed and were snuck into food stuffs furtively. Ice cream, for instance, used to have ingredients like this: Ice, oysters, water, and 170 tbps of sugar.

One tragic day the oysters got their name. It was in a packed restaurant in Paris and the famous Head Chef, Monsieur Violencè, inadventently gave oysters their oystery name.

You can imagine the scene. The boiling kitchen where a commis chef had sweated out 17 litres of BO through his armpits alone, and the Head Chef sees him dawdling for a moment. What happens? The crazed SOB begins to belabour him, “OI! Stir!” Thusly this is what happened, for the commis chef was supposed to be stirring oyster bisque at the thyme.

It’s a miraculous story of coincidence. Kind of like when Kate Moss was photographed being punched in the face by a tree (which are sometimes covered in moss). This chant of beration became a national heritage in Paris, and helped name the seafood thing we (most of us) love and love. Indeed!