Great TV Shows That Never Were: Untrue Detective (like True Detective, but with more lying)

Untrue Detective
Don’t lie or you’ll make Satan cry.

Sure, True Detective is one of the greatest TV shows there has ever been. We’d put it up there with Breaking Bad if we’re being honest about it, which is quite the accolade. What’s even more astonishing is how badly the second series was messed up – the Dumb and Dumber version of the first series, according to a learned cohort. Gee, if only those TV execs had cast Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels in it.

Police officers and detectives have to tell the truth in their job. This is common knowledge. It’s no good turning up arbitrarily at someone’s house and demanding they are being arrested for drug dealers, when in fact the person runs a kitten sanctuary. However, in Untrue Detective this is what the series would be about! Lying. Lying just for the Machiavellian thrill of it. Whoo!

Untrue Detective

True Detective starred Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey – the latter has one of those surnames you can’t remember how to spell. The former used to play a dimwitted moron in Cheers, although he later went on to play Woody in Toy Story and an activist for herbal remedies.

In Untrue Detective, our central anti-hero would have been played by Jack Black. This isn’t the subdued Jack Black who can impress in some films, but rather the hyperbolic lunatic Jack Black who gets rather irritating rather fast. His sidekick for the series is, of course, Arnold Schwarzenegger in fantastically sardonic form: “I won’t be back because I can’t be bothered…” is his catchphrase in Untrue Detective.

These two generally bumble about the place in episodes in pursuit of general apathy and outright fibbing. The chief of police, Sylvester Stallone, can’t sack them as Jack Black can blackmail him with photographs of Stallone crying whilst watching psychologically destructive horrorfest Bambi. We’ve all been there.

Famous Episodes

Thusly, Black and Schwarzenegger bumble about like the odd couple lying to anyone and everyone to gain some sort of advantage or freebie. Oh man, episodes got dark at times. In this non-Emmy award-winning series we had episodes such as:

  • Arnold Schwarzenegger informing a little girl her pet cat probably won’t be found as it’s likely been abducted by aliens and incinerated (the cat has actually been found and is in the room next door, much to the little girl’s consternation).
  • Jack Black informs an elderly gentleman his wife was caught in a nuclear explosion and has been transmogrified into an Elvis Presley impersonator, minus any arms or legs. The wife was actually merely down the road buying a litre of milk.
  • Schwarzenegger and Black convince a school principle he’s poisoned the entire school with his eye medicine. Wracked with guilt, the principle rushes to throw himself off the roof of the school, only to trip and shatter his pelvis, thusly rendering his suicide attempt unsuccessful. Never fear, when informed of this later in hospital all three have a hearty great big laugh about it!
  • There’s also the famous one where Black accidentally runs over the police of chief but blames this on Schwarzenegger. The latter is fired and decides to acquire his revenge by punching Black in the face, rendering the detective coma stricken. Upon emerging from this plight, Schwarzenegger informs Black the police of chief did it, and Black races to the chief’s house to burn it to the ground with petrol.

As you can see, it would have been a pretty morally corrupt TV series which, of course, led to condemnation from the world’s media for its shoddy acting, rampant misogyny, and repetitive episode structure. Oh well, that’s the nature of lying, eh? It’s tedious and only leads to bad things, such as free sandwiches.

3 comments

  1. Wow, what a fab series this never was! Lying is so in, IE “Lying Ted Cruz” is the best current pop example of this. And I am so related to Matthew McConaughey, not,.(Resa McConaghy) It’s all quite perfect!

    • Lying can be so amusing, we think. You may have noticed I lie all the time on PM. I am Elvis Presley.

      McConaughey… McConaghy… McConhooray… such a confusing surname! No offence. Better than Mr. Wapojif I guess.

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