Thinking, whence, most recently of Moby-Duck; or, The Mallard, perchance as had it we doth thought of the Dostoevsky classic Crime and Punishment.

Being the sadistic philistines we are, we wanted to reboot the literary franchise. What with?! Crime and Plushies, of course! You read it here first.

Themes of Madness, Mortality, and Cute Cuddly Toys in Crime and Plushies

Crime and Punishment (1866) is a book. In it, young ex-student Rodion Raskolnikov plunges through mental anguish and moral dilemmas regarding his murderous antics.

Cited as one of the supreme achievements of world literature, and a towering masterpiece, it has cemented Fyodor Dostoevsky’s reputation as a literary genius.

That’s why Crime and Plushies is a most fitting spin-off.

A direct sequel to Crime and Punishment, it was written in 2016 by someone online (without any clearance from Dostoevsky’s remaining relatives) who published it as an ebook in 2018 for 50p a copy.

We contacted the author about this work, but they wish to remain anonymous (using a pseudonym for the book). What he/she/it did reveal is the book has sold some 12 copies since its launch.

The author has spent the £6 earnings on chocolate bourbon biscuits.

There are three reviews for the work online, all from fervent Dostoevsky fans who have handed over 1/5 reviews.

Particular criticism is for the author’s habit of lifting deeply intelligent, thought-provoking prose from Crime and Punishment and rephrasing it slightly by shoehorning “plushies” into the work. For example:

“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great plushies on Earth.”

Another example:

“He had not far to go; he knew indeed how many steps it was from the gate of his lodging house: exactly seven hundred and thirty. He had counted them once when he had been lost in dreams. At the time he had put no faith in those dreams and was only tantalising himself by their hideous but daring recklessness. Now, a month later, he had begun to look upon them differently, and, in spite of the monologues in which he jeered at his own impotence and indecision, he had involuntarily come to regard this ‘hideous’ dream as an exploit to be attempted, although he still did not realise this himself. He was positively going now for a ‘rehearsal’ of his project, and at every step his excitement grew more and more violent. He clutched his plushy closer and, like, gurgled a bit in satisfaction. Innit.”

And another:

“It takes something more than intelligence to act intelligently. Such as owning plushies.”

And another:

“I used to analyse myself down to the last thread, used to compare myself with others, recalled all the smallest glances, smiles and words of those to whom I’d tried to be frank, interpreted everything in a bad light, laughed viciously at my attempts ‘to be like the rest’ – and suddenly, in the midst of my laughing, I’d give way to sadness, fall into ludicrous despondency and once again start the whole process all over again – in short, I went round and round like a squirrel on a wheel. So, I started buying plushies and that helped a bit. #YOLO”

Explaining his/her/its decision to ruin Dostoevsky’s magnum opus, the author told us:

“I’d never read Crime and Punishment before so I figured this would be a great way to read it, all while going through and adding in references to plushies. I love cuddly toys so yeah, it’s been a wonderful experience for me. And with the profit I’ve made from the book I got to eat some chocolate bourbon biscuits. They were scrummy!”

Chocolate bourbon biscuits are, indeed, scrummy. But we must note they’re nowhere near as good as Jaffa Cakes.

Death Threats and Cuddly Toys

The downside to the author’s creative effort is he/she/it has been subjected to death threats from outraged Dostoevsky fanboys, whom slated the book in the online reviews as:

“The worst book since time began and a disgusting travesty! People like this are SCUM! What in the name of BLOODY HELL would convince someone to produce such GARBAGE!? They are filth! I am so angry once I’ve finished typing this sentence and published this review, I’m going to hurl my laptop on the floor and start stomping up and down on it in rage! “

The author told us these reviews were “really mean” and the plan now was to sue those “bastard SOBS!” for defamation of character.

The ultimate irony here is it seems the Dostoevsky fanboys will have to seek their own Crime and Punishment in court…

And we believe therein lies the moral of the story. And a fitting way to end is with this extract from Crime and Plushies:

“The man who has a conscience suffers whilst acknowledging his sin. That is his plushy.”