It’s fair to say The Lord of the Rings (1954) is quite a famous book. Having sold 150 million copies worldwide, it’s done quite well for itself.

Such success breeds rip-offs! And one of the very best on the market is The Lord of the Aspirins, written by a writer whom goes by the name of Harry.

It’s unknown whom Harry is and why. But his work The Lord of the Aspirins is a staggering copyright infringement of the highest order. Let’s celebrate that today!

Themes of Headaches and Over the Counter Painkillers in The Lord of the Aspirins

“It’s a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there’s no knowing where you might be swept off to. And that’s why aspirins are really, really important!”

As with other rip-off works such as The Discounts of Monte Cristo, The Lord of the Aspirins makes little effort to be good in any way.

Instead, it’s a marketing exercise for the pharmaceutical company Glorious Aspirins, which is located in Exeter, England.

It appears The Lord of the Aspirins is written as propaganda to try and get more British people to use the term aspirins over paracetamol. In the long and rambling introduction by CEO John Pancakes, he states:

“For too long have British people relied on the term ‘paracetamol’, which is a term that makes my blood boil! It angers me daily to such an extent I have a special wall in my office (the one on the right) I slug with my fist every time the terminology differentiation annoys the hell out of me.

This book is to set the record straight. It’s time for the widespread, national use of the term ‘aspirin’ as God as my witness it must happen!”

Unfortunately for Mr. Pancakes, the book (which launched in January 2024) has so far only managed 12 sales. As such, it’s fair to say his goal of terminology changes will have to be put on hold (at least for now).

The Narrative of The Lord of the Aspirins

As for the story in this book, it’s largely faithful to J. R. R. Tolkien’s work. However, much of the fantasy language is removed in favour of painkiller terminology.

The central character, Headache McMighty, joins up with his friend Bulging Hangover to go on an adventure into the fantastical and sweeping land of Pharmaceuticals.

Once there, they seek to find the ultimate painkiller.

However, war affects the land! The EVIL paracetamol army is in giant conflict with the righteous and pure aspirin army. It’s an all-out battle of carnage and explosions to establish over the counter painkiller dominance. That all means:

• Battles
• Explosions
• Kaboom
• Grunting
• Epic scenes of destruction
• Long passages of walking aimlessly across sweeping countryside

Eventually, Headache McMighty and Bulging Hangover team up with an assortment of weirdos whom assist with their adventure. There is and are:

• Anaesthetic the Arduous
• Embrocation the Bastard
• Swollen (who seems to be a headache-ravaged take on Gollum)
• Anodyne
• Palliative
• Demulcent

All the characters are basked around headaches or painkiller-based ailments. Which is to be expected, we guess, but at the end of the story (spoilers alert) Headache McMighty and Bulging Hangover throw a budget packet of supermarket paracetamol into a raging volcano.

The book ends whilst they sit around a campfire, drinking heavily, and looking forward to taking some aspirins the next morning to ease the hangovers.

The Lord of the Aspirins as an Abject Fantasy Failure

It’s clear Mr. Pancakes isn’t a natural writer, which is perhaps inevitable as he’s in the pharmaceutical business. That’s why there are passages such as this:

““A hunted man sometimes wearies of distrust and longs for aspirin.”

Which is followed by a 500 word marketing campaign campaign about why Glorious Aspirins offer the best aspirins (and also why paracetamols “suck”).

We do think Mr. Pancakes; goal would’ve been better served by, you know, running a business marketing campaign of some sort across social media.

Or with an aggressive marketing campaign across his community.

And not spending however long it took to rewrite Lord of the Rings into a 1,170 page rant about the author’s grievances between one way of spelling painkillers over another.

Only buy this book if you’re a diehard Lord of the Rings fan who also has the same anger regarding aspirin/paracetamol uses from one nation to the next.