Flirting is a constant, if irregular, incessant topic here on Professional Moron. And as part of the generation who grew up watching Friends, we know all too well what the greatest chat up line in the world is.

That’s supplied by eligible bachelor Joey Tribbiani and his use of “How you doin’?”

As such, to honour this achievement, today we’re exploring variations on this most excellent pickup line so we can go out and use it on everyone we encounter in society.

How you doin’?

Here’s the original in all its glory. Short, sharp, and to the point, the brilliance of Tribbiani’s words are in the details. As in, the laziness of it, completed with minimal effort except for a sly grin and a slight raised eyebrow.

How are you doing?

Let’s just get the grammar nerd one in and out of the way. This. This is how you say the line in proper English.

How are you doing this fine day, sir and/or madam?

Extending on the above correction further, here we have a very English take on the Americanism. Replace “madam” with “sir” depending on your flirting-based proclivities.

O’reet?

Bring it back to our Lancashire roots, a good old-fashioned “O’reet?” is never amiss. Use it on everyone you meet and/or as a flirting tactic. When coupled with lager breath from several pints, it’s a sure fire way to prove you’re a manly geezer.

How you misconstruing?

Like this one. What are you misconstruing, eh? It’s good because the word is big and impressive, which will make the person on the receiving end think you’re intelligent. Clever.

OW! You doin’?

The OW here is to get the other person’s attention. Like, “OW!” Really shouted very loud so the other person thinks you’re in mortal danger… but then the rest of the line is reeled off with panache.

Cow you doin’?

This is part childish insult, part flirting. It also works very well on any men/women whom is fond of cows, thus scoring extra flirting brownie points.

Cow manure?

Going one step further, we do think “Cow manure?” is the greRatest pickup line in the history of ever. Use this one on the girl of your dreams (Nicola Roberts, Cate Blanchett, Rebecca Hall, Arnold Schwarzenegger etc.) and marriage is 100% guaranteed. Especially if you lug a big sack of the stuff around with you for extra clout.

Snowplough you doin’?

Same as the one above, but with snowploughs. Or for anyone who likes that Simpsons episode where Homer is Mr. Plough.

How you stewin’?

We like this one as it’s sort of catchy.

How you canoein’?

For the canoeing enthusiasts of the world, we assume this chat up line is like bread and butter. As in, the ideal combination. Like chalk and cheese.

How you brewin’?

Thinking of England here, this line can be used in reference to a nice cup of tea. Of which you should brew many on a daily basis and consume with much patriotic relish. Rather!

And finally…

Loud chewin’?

For any fellow misophonia sufferers, this is the limit. Chewing with mouth open is a no-go zone. Abandon ship. Date over. Run for the hills. Red flag. End of days.