Do YOU need a standing ovation in the not too distant future!? Then you need to hire Standing Ovation Enterprises Ltd., the world’s LEADING practitioners of random standing ovations.

You name the event, we’ll turn up at it. Whether you’re trying to impress your boss, a girlfriend, or just want a crowd clapping uproariously when you love a public toilet, our expert team is on hand to give you a pointless ego boost.

Choose From a Wealth of Standing Ovation Packages

It’s easy to think you’re missing out on things in life! But with a standing ovation, it will no longer (briefly) feel like you are missing out in things in life! That’s the POWER of hands clapping in unison. These are the packages we offer to get you in the zone, no matter how pathetically poor you are.

Bargain Bin Basement Package: Applause for Losers Subscription

If you just didn’t work hard enough, then you get the Bargain Bin Basement package. Subscribe to this for £50 p/m and you’ll receive a wide array (10) of clapping noises to download and play on your phone. If you’re drunk when you play the noises then it’ll feel like you’re ACTUALLY RECEIVING a standing ovation! Rather than being a sad, pathetic loser who no one would ever really clap for ever.

Bronze Package: Polite Golf Claps

Choose this cost-effective range and several old men will arrive at your destination, create a light patter of claps, and make posh British remarks such as, “Jolly good show!”

Silver Package: Genuine Buzz

With this mid-range offering up to a dozen individuals will arrive and clap to create a genuine buzz. One or two will even go “Whoop!”. For an extra £100 you can also get one of them to wolf whistle very loud indeed.

Gold Package: Phantom Fanfare

THE FULL WORKS! Up to 30 people will turn up, clap loudly for 10 minutes, whoop, whistle, and one will even set off a klaxon intermittently. This package is for the rich go-getters of the world whom DESERVE their moment of glory.

Go Premium With Our Standing O-Matic Mobile Ovation Unit

The highest rank of our packages is for the superrich and delusional. With this option, you can choose our mobile ovation unit that will FOLLOW you around the globe with a trained group of 30 professional clappers.

Whenever you need our ovation unit you simply have to hit the APPLAUSE icon in your bespoke app (only £5,000 p/m subscription fee) and our team will burst forth and begin applauding. That’s:

• No matter the time of day.
• No matter where you are.

Never risk missing out on an ego stoking session again! Hit the icon (ONLY £5,000 P/M!!!!), sit back, and within moments our underpaid underling employees will rush out and begin clapping.

Don’t miss out on a clap.

Get the clap (as in, our standing ovation service as opposed to any infections you can pick up by not being careful during “moments of romance”).