Cement is really interesting when you think about it. It turns into concrete and, without this stuff, we wouldn’t have houses, buildings, and other tall structures which humans use to hide their modesty. There’s a lot of cement in movies, too, although not in movie titles, which is a real shame.
Thusly, we’ve decided to take a look at what Hollywood would be like if it had some sort of bizarre cement fetish. The results are outstanding, with classic, cement-based films which would have wowed audiences across the world. What a tragedy this will never come to fruition…
Out Of Cement
Robert Redford and Meryl Streep star in this weepy about how one couple keeps running out of cement. It’s incredibly heartbreaking when they reach the bit where they almost get some cement, but then they don’t.
The Cement Hunter
A dramatic tale of Vietnam soldiers who come back to America to hunt cement. The film perfectly highlights the psychologically destructive nature of warfare.
No Cement For Old Men
This film tackled prejudices about how old men aren’t allowed to have cement (in some countries). Due to the efforts of this one media text, many more old men can now have cement.
The Silence of the Cement
In this state-the-bleeding-obvious film, Jodie Foster sets out to discover why cement is so silent. Turns out, because it’s not alive.
The King’s Cement
Snorefest starring Colin Firth whose King has a really impressive, but boring, cement selection.
Dances with Cement
Kevin Costner gives it his all in this dance-heavy film. The sight of Costner dancing with cement is… moving. Strangely moving. We cried a lot.
Kevin Spacey hams it up in a film about why American cement is the absolute best.
The Cement Patient
Ralph Fiennes delivers a weepy performance about a patient who is ill because of cement. The anti-cement message of the film proved controversial.
The Last of the Cement
Daniel Day-Lewis stars as a man who only has a small amount of cement left, and has to be careful about how he uses the final bit.
The Sound of Cement
This famous musical really hammered home that cement really doesn’t create much sound.
Mel Gibson went all out, hamming it up with a Scottish accent, to prove just how brave cement is.
Shakespeare in Cement
Joseph Fiennes spends this film stuck in cement, proving once and for all how Shakespeare was able to write so much – he didn’t have anything better to do due to his mobility issues.
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the Cement
In this cement-heavy adaptation of Tolkien’s legendary novels, criticism was still rife cement played little part in the books. Peter Jackson was unrepentant, however, allegedly saying: “Without cement, there is no movie!” – brutal.
A Cement Mind
Russel Crowe acts his socks off in this film about a disabled man who has a cement brain. Moving stuff.
Chariots of Cement
This two hour movie follows a load of chariots filled up with cement as they trundle along. Probably the most boring Oscar winner ever.
This dull old film went out to be as ordinary as possible, and so showed us about just how ordinary cement is. Lovely.
The Godfather Part Cement
This cement-based version of the legendary Godfather films was criticised for being about cement and not mafia, gangster stuff. Oh well.
The Cement Connection
Gritty cop drama about how using cement to make connections is a really good thing to do. This film marked the first time a block of cement, known as Cementy, won an Oscar.
Jon Voight looks all cement-like in this drama about cowboys, cement, and Dustin Hoffman. “I’m walking on cement here!” is the legendary Hoffman line. Hell yeah.
All Quiet on the Cement Front
This wartime drama highlights just how essential cement is when anarchy kicks off.