Here at Professional Moron we are all quite undistinguished historians in our respective fields. Our most regular writer, the brilliant-but-half-mad Mr. Wapojif, is an expert on historical inaccuracies of cheese, jam, and houmous in the creative media. Just last week he won The Nobel Prize in Distinguishing Between Mature and Extra Mature Cheddar Cheese. Much like Jean-Paul Sartre, Mr. Wapojif refused his prize, quipping, “T’is but a nary want of the layman with perception in mind with one’s lack of knowledge that can be construed as potential and unilateral genius.”
Our other writers, who will remain anonymous for the time being (they are very shy and often don’t venture into direct sunlight), are highly skilled and knowledgeable about The Age of Discovery, Mount Everest, K2, Ben Nevis, the Andes, that mound in the park near Fallowfield, Manchester, ducks, and egg based products.
But today we look at the inspired genius of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, composer of such sublime works of art as “Dancing Queen”, “Stairway to Heaven”, “My Generation”, and “Agadoo”. We jest, of course, as I, Truman Trumanson, am an expert in the field of Mozart. I studied music at the University of Bolton, where I earned a 3rd for my efforts. I know this does not look good, but I was so much in love with Mozart I couldn’t even bring myself to properly study! Nevertheless, you may fear not, for I am an expert on all things Mozart!
Born on the 27th January 1756, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart could play the violin by the time he was just 10 hours old, and had composed the first seventeen of his eventual 600 pieces by the time he was 12 hours old. His first full opera was finished when he was but a month old, and he performed it at the age of just 6 months! Here are some of the contemporary reviews of the time:
“Thoust musth not forseeth a young man of such grandeur! Barelyth able to standth up and conduct, a rousing opera of such grandeur! Grandeur for the merry delight in whichth such music doust thoust musth hear!” The Sun, circa March 1756.
“Fantastically brilliant! A tour de force! Superb! Brilliant! Mozart gives a remarkable performance! 5/5” The Times, circa March 1756.
“It was pretty decent but I prefer stuff with more of a beat to it.” Germaine Greer, circa March 1756.
He continued to write, and by the time he reached 10 years of age he had composed 400 compositions. Unhappy with most of them, he dedicated the final 26 years of his brilliant life to making masterpiece after masterpiece. In so doing he managed to annoy the hell out of all his peers in Vienna, and wrote stuff that would subsequently bemuse drippy scholars with no sense of humour. Yes, readers, Mozart had a scatological sense of humour. And why not? Why shouldn’t someone enjoy a bit of toilet humour every now and then? Excrement etc.
Mozart died on 5th December 1751 aged just 35. It has been estimated that, had he lived to be 60, he would have written at least 3 million compositions. Mozart, we salute you! Much love, the Professional Moron staff. xx