Yesterday we renamed the 12 months. Now it’s time to rename the years because… sorry, the days! The days, not years. Those day SOBs have been playing havoc with everyone for a long time. Sometimes it’s difficult to even remember what day it is. “What day is it, wife?!” you might scream at your husband, but you don’t know because you’ve been drinking orange juice all day and you’re overdosing on fruit fibre. So, to save lives, we’ve renamed the days.
Replacing Monday is this life-affirming new hairy dude. Monday is a negative day for about 99% of the planet, but if you change that to “monkey”, with mandatory accompaniment of monkey noises whenever you say the word, then you’ve got productivity through the roof!
This day is all about mastication (no, not that other word, you vile pervert). You must chew your way through this day on food, otherwise you will become emaciated. The downside? After a few months of this the global obesity epidemic will be pretty terrible. This isn’t assisted by…
Today is all about the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES). It’s mandatory to spend at least 12 hours playing NES games. Failure to do so will result in a 30% wage reduction for the world’s workers, so you’d better get yourself a NES!
It’s nearing the end of the week, so keep everyone on their toes with this morbid potentiality. With the fear of death in their feeble brains, humans will work a damn sight harder in order to just see it through to the end of the week. No bloody slacking!
Friday will be renamed Thursday, just to be difficult for the sake of it. The idea is for a mixture of negative and positive reactions, as workers arise and think, “Oh, no, it’s Thursday!” yet then realise it’s actually Friday. Even though it’s now Thursday. The downside to this is the constant negative and positive reinforcements could lead to numerous psychotic episodes.
What used to be a fun weekend day for workers is now another morbid reminder of horrible stuff. Households will also be supplied with a small amount of radioactive decay which, each Radioactive Decay, they must sit and stare at for at least 30 minutes. This will allow them to find a better conceit of themselves. It’ll also help them to glow in the dark, thusly saving on electricity.
Sponsored by Subway Sandwiches, this new day is all about Subway. All marketing material the world over will be Subway related – it’s also mandatory to eat at least three of the sandwiches during the 24 hour day. It’s Subway sponsored, but other companies and organisations can bid to run the day.
This could lead to some interesting changes to Subway (Sunday), such as the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) Day, Disney Day, or Pot Noodle Day. But it’ll probably just descend into a bidding war between the ultra-rich companies, so expect either Google, Apple, or Walmart Day. Hurray!