Exclusive: Santa’s Weekly Column #2

It's Santa!
It’s Santa!

Father Christmas, after the merest of delays, returns in splendour for his second diary instalment!

Now we realise that the last one was hardly like a “diary” at all. Indeed, as one reader described it, “it was an insane drunken rant! Is he mentally stable at all?”

Regardless, we have re-branded this “Santa’s Weekly Column” permanently, which should avoid any “diary” based antics. Now Santa can discuss anything he pleases.

As with the first column, Santa’s poor grammar forced me to alter a lot of the article so it made some sense.

Angry Santa

Well, them little bastard elves they’ve all bloody well been taking the piss out of me!

Calling me “Psycho Santa” and doing that stupid high-pitched laugh of theirs! Well they can sod off! These damn poetic bats swooping about me, they all I think I should [Editor: The following section was unintelligible].

But at least I can piss on their graves! Bloody hell to the lot of them! Bloody hell to the lot of them bloody stupid gits! [Editor: The following section I have removed as it would likely have the Professional Moron blog shut down].

Mrs. Santa Claus has been a useless old hag throughout all of this. I said to her, I did, “Get bent you stupid old woman!” That’s because I just can’t give a toss about this bloody situation anymore!”

Where Did Santa’s Column Go?

The article ended there in some Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas reverie.

And despite our repeated attempts to get in contact with Father Christmas we simply could not get access to him.

We did, just before going to press, reach Bill the Head Elf. He released this statement to us:

“To the staff of Professional Moron and its dumb readers,

We are sorry to inform you that Father Christmas is currently ill. We will inform you when he can continue with his column duties, if indeed he can. It is currently uncertain.

Best regards, Bill the Head Elf”

Naturally we wish Father Christmas, his wife, all the elves, and the reindeer (in particular Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer).

All the best during this difficult time and hope that Santa can make a speedy recovery.

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