We’re always going on about it. We love it. We eat far too much of it. What are we on about?
Well you’ve already read the title, and seen the picture on the right, so use your brain power to deduce that we are on about cheese! It’s even better than the Pot Noodle sandwich.
Seeing as we had to tell you anyway we also thought we should give you a thorough explanation as to what cheese actually is.
The Joys of Cheese
We went on a bit of a cheese hunt online and discovered some really rather amazing stuff about it. And when we mean “amazing” we mean seriously ruddy amazing.
Our jaws actually hit the floor on two occasions. So, read on Macduff for a mixture of fact, fiction, and stupidity!
1. Cheese is so great it predates historical records!
This proves that cheese is possibly one of the oldest things on the Earth – it must have even been around during the time of the dinosaurs.
It comforts us greatly knowing that, tens of millions of years ago, Mr. T. Rex could have had some cheddar cheese if he couldn’t get that Diplodocus leg he was after.
And if Mr. Diplodocus couldn’t quite reach the very top leaves on that enormous great tree then he could have at least enjoyed some brie. It’s Jurassic Park all over again.
2. The International Cheese Show is in Nantwich, Cheshire
We’ve just discovered this right now—and we live near Cheshire! You can bet your ingrowing toenail we’ll be attending this. So, some lucky sods get to judge the cheese.
They even get to wear protective overalls to look important. It must really stink bad in that place, though, with all that cheese clogging the airwaves.
3. Marmite and Cheese Spread
Again we only just discovered this. We had no idea this could possibly even be conceivable. Cheese and Marmite in one pot? OMG!
That’s beyond the realms of our limited imaginations. Just to put this in perspective—cheese is usually on its own. So is Marmite. Normally you have to open the jar and get some cheese, and smear the Marmite onto the cheese. Now it’s just in one pot. O M F G.
4. Cheese does funny things to ordinary people
Just look at this girl. Those eyes. That psychotic grin. All due to cheese on toast. You have to wonder, really, just what is going through her mind. Possibly this:
"If I don't get my cheese on toast within the next seventeen seconds I will through a wobbler. I will lie on the floor and flap my arms and legs up and down off the floor in a right old temper tantrum. I'll scream and shout until daddy looks up from his Whiskey and yells, 'Shurrup, you brat!' like he so often does."
This is purely hypothetical, of course. She could just as easily be thinking, “Cheese…” Good on her all the same. Cheese is victory!
5 . Cheese advertising is a bit odd
“It’s nice to know that someone’s still making cheese that’s 100% natural.” What a creepy statement. That’s from some old advertising stuff.
Kind of like, “It’s nice to know that when I flush my toilet everything I’ve left in the bowl ends up in the sewers.”
Really sort of, like, “Yeah, whatever mate.” Look at the way he’s holding that thing as well—is that even cheese? I doubt it. I doubt it a lot.