We watched Prometheus last week and were left so very disappointed. Our very own Truman Trumanson actually burst into tears after the film, lay down on the floor and thrashed his arms and legs up an down in a proper temper tantrum. Whilst other movie goers stared at us in bemusement, I decided to pretend to eat my VUE cinema supplied 3D glasses in the hope they would take me for an imbecile.
Ever since watching it I (Mr. Wapojif) have been left thinking about the film and its many shortcomings, so much so that I have decided to dedicate today’s blog post to its mediocrity. Truman Trumanson has barely recovered and has not so much as mumbled a word all week. He only started eating again yesterday; he had a bowl of cornflakes, followed by a Full English Breakfast, a spoonful of marmite, several black puddings, and a bowl of leek and potato soup. Anyway, this is besides the point! So, we shall delve reasonably deep into the film, not give away any spoilers, but hopefully make you realise that, should you choose to watch the film, you will be sorely disappointed. Unless, of course, you follow TotalFilm’s dubious review of 4/5, but then they also rave after Terence Malick’s films. So much so, in their sycophancy, they awarded the reasonably enjoyable Tree of Life 5/5. Now Malick’s Badlands is one hell of a good film, but that was in 1973 and it does not translate into 2011’s pretentious Tree of Life being equally awesome. Much the same goes for Ridley Scott’s Prometheus, as Alien is a masterpiece.
There were three excellent things about Prometheus which we shall state here; Michael Fassbender as the ship’s android servant David, the usage of Chopin’s Rain Prelude, and Noomi Rapace’s hairdo. The special effects were very nice, of course, but that’s a given for most big blockbusters these days. It’s just a shame the dialogue is so terrible, the peripheral characters so idiotic and loathable (particularly Sean Harris’ Fifield, a highly-strung geologist with a stupid hairdo), the plot so aimless and undecided, and the suspense so lacking. So how could it have been a classic? Here’s how:
1. All the cast should have had Rapace’s hairdo: Yes, all the cast! From Fassbender’s android David to hunk-of-the-film Logan-Marshall Green, the latter being the eye-candy for the ladies, the former the acting talent. However, there is no denying the brilliance of Elizabeth Shaw’s (that’s Rapace’s character) hairdo. It’s a true stroke of genius and boosts the whole film form a 2/5 (or a 5/10) to 3/5 (or 6/10) status! Even the aliens (please note, there are very few aliens in this film, and no we’re not being facetious) should have the hair, which we dub the “Rapacedo”. Outstanding, sir!
2. Watching the film whilst very drunk: This would have, almost certainly, made Prometheus a good viewing experience. However, it would have to be the correct type of drunk. No belligerence, just that enigmatic shrowd of “wooowww…. I love everything!” Then the film would have been pretty good.
3. Do a TotalFilm and sell out: Now TotalFilm clearly have some strange way of going about reviewing films. Let’s not forget they gave the utterly dreadful Star Wars: A New Hope (or whatever it’s called – the first of the naff Star Wars prequels) 4/5. They seem to get utterly lost in the moment through blind sycophancy. Now TotalFilm do do (*giggle* *snort* *guffaw*… do do!) tremendous features, they just lose their way with reviews. However, if you want to experience the 4/5 Prometheus, don your free pair of TotalFilm glasses complete with a tab of Class A narcotics before you head into the cinema.
4. Build a Time Machine and start all over again: Guy Pearce is actually in this film, although you won’t be able to tell as who. He also starred in the re-make of that famous Time Machine movie. Good link, non? Anyway, Ridley Scott would be better off spending the $200+ million no doubt wasted on Prometheus on constructing a time machine to reverse this mould of mediocrity.
5. Stuffing your face with food: Who cares if the films a bit average when you can just sit there consuming vast amounts of sugary, fat filled food? Our suggestion would be to go for a donut sandwich! Mega healthy, guy! True escapism achieved, we feel.