The Very Best Movie Hairdos Ever

Johnnie Bravo and his epic hair. A-thank-you-very-much.

Having waxed lyrical in two posts to date about Noomi Rapace’s amazing hairdo in Prometheus, we thought it was about time to celebrate the very best hairdos in cinema history. So we (meaning myself, Mr. Wapojif, as the rest of the staff are at a press conference in Manchester about homemade ice cream) had a bit of a scan through movie history to dig up some equally awesome hair from years gone by. Boy, did we get a mega-super-wicked batch of aceness for you!Now most of us have hair, except bald people, and most of us attempt to model our hair into some reasonably aesthetically pleasing structure. Some get it right, others get it very wrong. The actors, thespians, and actresses in this tragically brief list had it forced upon their person for the sake of art! Their hair made their performances all the more dramatic, so all hail hair, and read on, Macduff, for the best hair in recent cinema history! (NB: Please note this list is constructed in whatever order we feel like as we go along.)


JCVD gets friendly with the local wildlife.

1. Jean-Claude Van Damme – The Muscles From Brussels is not only famous for his physique, he has also sported some really rather remarkable (good alliteration there, non?) hair over the years. We include this picture as a kind of tribute to His Muscleness – greasy, flowing locks of loveliness as he rips the rattle off a Rattlesnake’s… er, tail. What a friendly man!

Javier Bardem collects marshmellows in his spare time.

2. Javier Bardem – Now Mr. Bardem is a handsome chap, but in No Country For Old Men he looks like some kind of simpleton who you would normally see in Tesco struggling to decide between Crunchy Nut Cornflakes or Coco Pops. This is offset with the freakishly psychotic nature of his character in the film (yes, we can’t remember his name and can’t be bother checking Google. Josh Brolin’s character (yes, we’ve forgotten his name, too) refers to him as Sugar at one point so that will do). Anyway, stupid hair or not we totally dig Bardem in that film. He is one scary lunatic.


The many and varied hairdos sported by the same actress.

3. Tilda Swinton – The multi-talented Scottish actress has had more hairstyles than any other human being in the history of time. Perhaps most famous for playing chronically unfortunate mother to Kevin in We Need To Talk About Kevin (to which Professional Moron suggested the sequel should be There’s Something About Kevin, which in itself could be the sequel to goofy Ben Stiller romp There’s Something About Mary), Swinton has also had roles alongside George Clooney and Nicolas Cage. In her next role she will be playing bumbling Mayor of London Boris Johnson.

Chad in Burn After Reading thinks about strawberries.

4. Brad Pitt – The Coen Brothers played on Mr. Pitt’s Hollywood Hunk image in Burn After Reading by casting him as an airheaded gym instructor. To Mr. Pitt’s credit he played the part superbly and without complaint, and his hair really was a quite amazing sight. We should imagine many a gooey eyed young lady would have been left wondering what on Earth went wrong with Mr. Pitt. Res assured, his real hair actually resembles Boris Johnson’s.

Mozart liked his hair big and messy!

5. Tom Hulce – Hulcey played Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart in the 1984 Oscar Winning romp Amadeus. His hair in that (he wears a series of vivid wigs, in accordance with the times) is all over the shop. At one stage Mr. Mozart proclaims his desire for three seperate heads so he can wear three different wigs all at once. Outstanding, sir! The major problem with this otherwise excellent film are the intrusive American accents. The film’s supposedly set in 17th century Vienna. Ho, yes.

Natlie Portman wonders when she’s going to star in a decent film.

6. Natlie Portman – Now,Mrs. (or Miss, we forget if she’s married) Portman recently attempted to display her acting chops in the pretty decent Black Swan, where her ballet dancing, high maintenance…. er, dancer, goes crazy during her hunt for perfection. Portman was also in the utterly dire Star Wars prequels, during which the make-up crew tried to replicate the equally daft Princess Leia bun-do with this, sort of, croissant thing. Yes.


7. Nicolas Cage – We should imagine this picture is photoshopped, unless Cage is starring in some film which requires him to look like this. His unusual movie career (involving superb Oscar winning performances mixed with bizarre action romps and surreal independent films) has been marked by all manner of weird hairdos. Cage, being a method actor, once had a tooth yanked out of his mouth so he could act appropriately for a scene in Birdy. Hardcore. As such we doubt he’d be too bothered by his physical attractiveness dropping a touch with whatever weird hairpiece he has to wear.


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