An Analysis Of Tinned Full English Breakfasts

All Day Breakfast
Glorious food covered in beans!

If you can’t be bothered frying yourself a Full English Breakfast, rest assured you can buy it readymade! These monuments to laziness consist of beans, scotch eggs, sausages, and mushrooms. So, as you can see, the mushrooms and beans provide a massive health boost! Not so with the sausages, which are probably made out of blu-tack and glue. Why bother with nutrition when you can have convenience, eh?

We think All Day Breakfast manufacturers (and there are many brands behind these brilliant abominations) have been somewhat lazy here. Really, only four things in the tin? You can easily compact further stuff in there; why not jam in hash browns, bacon, mayonnaise, ketchup, fried eggs, veggie sausages (to cover for vegetarians – they can pick the meat stuff out at will), and a mug of cheap coffee? Go for the whole experience, otherwise you’re fobbing off paying customers with subpar traditional British Breakfasts. This is catastrophic, as a hungry English person is a violent English person. As is well known, 91% of British football riots are caused when football grounds run out of pies. The solution? It would appear to be to stock up on PROPER All Day Breakfast tins in reserve. Yes.

What bemuses us most, however, is the concept of an “All Day Breakfast”. How is it breakfast at 11pm, for instance? That’s a late night snack – an ode to morbid obesity. Breakfast is breakfast, as you break your sleeping fast by eating. At a push there is Brunch, where breakfast overlaps into lunch. You can’t have Brinner, where breakfast and dinner combine to create weird concoctions such as Cornflake Lasagne. It should be illegal to consume breakfast after 12pm. Maybe we’ll make a petition to the government – we’re bloody sick of heathens manipulating the world into a breakfast free-for-all!

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