The Black Widow: Would You Be Friends With One?

Black widow spider in cartoon form - a red back

Here at Professional Moron Mr. Wapojif (that’s me) has always had an interest in the Black Widow (latrodectusthis is Welsh for: “OH MY GOD IT’S A BLACK WIDOW!”) spiders.

We recently found out they’re referred to as “Red Backs” by those who share their lives with them. And would those people become friends with them? Let’s explore.

Are Spiders Good Pets?

Yes, of course. They make for creepy crawly, intriguing little beasts with much to love about them.

But as with our recent pet great white sharks post, we must now ask… would you be friends with a black widow?

Now Mr.Wapojif (that’s me) got this fear/love for the little beasts from the Steven Spielberg horror Arachnophobia (a phobia of spiders and dairy based products).

In that, even famous hunchback Julian Sands gets killed by a marauding wave of Black Widows (please note—Julian Sands isn’t a hunchback), although the always cuddly Jeff Daniels saves the day with a nail gun and his floppy hair.

Which also reminds us, he and Jim Carrey agreed to a sequel to 1995’s brilliant sillyfest Dumb and Dumber this year. Then Carrey backed out as the film studio were showing a “lack of interest”.

Perhaps it’s for the best. Just look at Prometheus. Films of former brilliance get turned to mush with modern updates.

And, but oh, there be this lingering interest in Black Widows. Much the same for Great White Sharks, too.

That’s from Jaws. Mr. Wapojif (me again) used to love watching that most excellent of films as a nipper. But, returning to the spiders, we wonder what it would be like to be mates with one of the most poisonous things on Earth?

First of all you would need to come to terms with the knowledge that this little thing can blast venomous poison through your system should you even slightly annoy it.

These things can’t really be kept as pets but, as Tommy says in Trainspotting of psychopath Begbie, “He’s a mate, so what can you do.”

And what indeed can one do? If your best mate is Barbara the Black Widow how do you handle her desire to kill everyone in sight? We just don’t know.

But asides from this we should imagine owning, or being friends with, a Black Widow would be okay if you could manage to not enrage it.

This would mean not picking it up, not going anywhere near it, and generally just trying not to be part of its life in any capacity. Kind of like Adolf Hitler, but more friendly.

Incidentally, we included the above picture of the ultra-cool Bill Murray with the once cool Scarlett Johansson as Johansson plays the “Black Widow” character in The Avengers, which is apparently a good film.

Now, Johansson (other than an excellent take in 2003’s equally excellent Lost in Translation) has been increasingly awful in every film since her time alongside Mr. Murray when she was 18. This also, ironically, works well with Trainspotting’s Sickboy.

His theory, as summed up by Renton, is that, “we all get older, can’t hack it anymore, and that’s it.” Perfectly effing realised.

So, to sum up, is being friends with a Black Widow fun? No. Is it possible? No. Is it a good idea? Not at all.

Should you even consider it? No. What if you were really lonely? No. So it’s wise just to pretend they don’t exist? Yes.

So what if I should happen upon one? Panic insanely. But should we love and envy the Black Widow? Oh yes, indeed, particularly if you’re a feminist.

They murder and then consume the husband after conception. And, after all, isn’t this what would make the Earth a better place?

Dispense with some gibberish!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.