What would it be like to be best friends with a Black Widow?

A Black Widow leaves the cabbage leaf in disdain; “Where are the human limbs!??!?!?”

Here at Professional Moron Mr. Wapojif (that’s me) has always had an interest in the Black Widow (Latrodectus – this is Welsh for; “OH MY GOD IT’S A BLACK WIDOW!!!!”) spiders, which he recently found out were referred to as “Red Backs” by those who share their lives with them. Now Mr.Wapojif (that’s me) got this fear/love for the little beasts from the Steven Spielberg shock-a-thon Arachnaphobia (a phobia of spiders and dairy based products) in which even famous hunchback Julian Sands gets killed by a marauding wave of Black Widows (please note; Julian Sands isn’t actually a hunchback), although the always cuddly Jeff Daniels saves the day with a nail gun and his floppy hair. Which also reminds us, he and Jim Carrey agreed to a sequel to 1995’s brilliant sillyfest Dumb and Dumber this year. Then Carrey backed out as the film studio were showing a “lack of interest”. Perhaps it’s for the best. Just look at Prometheus. Films of former brilliantness get turned to mush with modern updates.

And, but oh, there be this lingering interest in Black Widows. Much the same for Great White Sharks, too. That’s from Jaws. Mr. Wapojif (me again) used to love watching that most excellent of films as a nipper. But, returning to the spiders, we wonder what it would be like to be mates with one of the most poisonous things on Earth??!?!?!

—————

Scarlett Johansson plays the Black Widow character in her latest Avengers film thing.

First of all you would need to come to terms with the knowledge that this little thing can blast venemous poision through your system should you even slightly annoy it. These things can’t really be kept as pets but, as Tommy says in Trainspotting of psychopath Begbie, “He’s a mate, so what can you do.” And what indeed can one do? If your best mate is Barbara the Black Widow how do you handle her desire to kill everyone in sight? We just don’t know. But asides from this we should imagine owning, or being friends with, a Black Widow would be okay if you could manage to not enrage it. This would mean not picking it up, not going anywhere near it, and generally just trying not to be part of its life in any capacity. Kind of like Adolf Hitler, but more friendly.

Sick Boy tells it how it is, guy.

Incidentally, we included the above picture of the ultra-cool Bill Murray with the once cool Scarlett Johansson as Johansson plays the “Black Widow” character in The Avengers, which is apparently a good film. Now, Johansson (other than an excellent take in 2003’s equally excellent Lost in Translation) has been increasingly awful in every film since her time alongside Mr. Murray when she was 18. This also, ironically, works well with Trainspotting’s Sickboy. His theory, as summed up by Renton, is that, “we all get older, can’t hack it anymore, and that’s it.” Perfectly effing realised.

Julian Sands thinks, “You will taste great in my Pot Noodle!”

So, to sum up, is being friends with a Black Widow fun? No. Is it possible? No. Is it a good idea? Not at all. SHould you even consider it? No. What if you were really lonely? No. So it’s wise just to pretend they don’t exist? Yes. So what if I should happen upon one? Panic insanely. But should we love and envy the Black Widow? Oh yes, indeed, particularly if you’re a feminist. They murder and then consume the husband after conception. And, after all, isn’t this what would make the Earth a better place?

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