Welcome, it is I, Truman Trumanson, on writing duties! It recently came to regular writer Mr. Wapojif’s attention that cute things sure do sell stuff. Right now he’s busy occupying his free time with our office pet Beans the Chinese Dwarf Hamster. We bought her due to her cuteness factor; we didn’t judge her on her personality first. This is shameful behaviour. However, we are her dutiful owners and we provide the wee beast with her daily needs. We do this whilst cooing like morons as Beans turns running in a straight line into, seemingly, the best thing ever. By ‘eck, guv, it reminds us of the parents who prattle on about their darling child(ren). Some even open up a Facebook account for Little Jimmy with status updates like “Goo goo ga ga!” with a picture of Lady Gaga’s latest fashion disaster – a giant, excrement filled stinking nappy and vomit stained shirt. Hot stuff.
This is the power of cuteness, and what it does to people doesn’t bare thinking about. But we are going to think about it here on Professional Moron, though, as we have the sheer nerve. So, for a start, just look at Nippon (Japan) and their berserk Akihabara electronic district, anime, Pokemon, Nintendo’s videogames, and much, much more. Thinking about that, Super Mario himself drifts in and out of being cute as he mercilessly slaughters his way through Bowser’s minions in order to save the terminally idiotic Princess Peach. Yet again. So why is Nintendo’s resident maniac such a cuddly, podgy plumber rotundness of cutability? Read on, Macduff.
So what constitutes “cute”? We came up with a half decent list here consisting of stuff we consider to be universally accepted as cute:
Puppies, kittens, donkeys, haggis, really tall buildings, athlete’s foot, dandruff, Marty McFly off the Back To The Future series, Zooey Deschanel, nuclear warheads, and domesticated woodlice.
If you have any issues with this list please don’t blame us. It’s only our brains doing the thinking. Now we left Mario off that list as we consider him too psychotic to ever consider adorable in any way. Kind of like a videogame version of Hannibal Lecter from Silence of the Lambs. Yet you could have made Hannibal cute had you dressed the character in bright pink jim-jams, had him clap excitedly, and have him played by Mike Myers instead of Mr. Hopkins. Perhaps it would have spoiled the film but, you know, the rating would have dropped to a U and this would have let more people into the cinema. So, in this instance, cute factor would have indeed worked wonders for The Silence of the Lamb’s box office taking, but it would have nullified the plot as it would be stupid wupid.
So what are we getting at? Are we suggesting everything be made cute in order to maximise sales? Should our politicians prance about in Pikachu outfits to win votes? No, seeing as kids can’t even vote. However, on the evidence we’ve provided you can make even the most deranged of lunatics (Super Mario) into a cuddly, wuddly fluffballlll! And he’s not even fluffy. But our office pet Beans the Chinese Dwarf Hamster is. And she’d whoop Mario’s fat ass any day, man.