The mystical eyebrow—some people pluck them, others style them, some establish an otherworldly monobrow.

Many simply leave them be, others have naturally gaps from when a crash cymbal landed on their moronic head (Mr. Wapojif). So, what is this about?

The Importance of Eyebrows

And yet not even Albert Einstein could solve this most unfathomable of notions. What do eyebrows do?

In the following 16,000 word essay we postulate the great unknowns about eyebrows and dig deep to discover the shocking truth—from the ancient Mayans to Julius Caesar, we uncover the secret underworld of eyebrows and the many hundreds of thousands of dollars which have been dedicated to Eyebrow Research.

We bet even Ferdinand Magellan had a mighty fine pair of the things as he attempted to circumnavigate the globe.

In fact, check out Over the Edge of the World for all the details!

This was George W. Bush’s scheme (What on Earth are Eyebrows? or WEE for short) over the last decade. So, hold onto your eyebrows!

Except, don’t, as after a brief shuffle through the world’s greatest libraries we found the sordid truth.

Eyebrows aren’t the gateway to the other side of the Universe, nor are they the component needed for world peace.

They don’t even know how to make a good fried breakfast; the sad fact is eyebrows do very little indeed except make our faces look a bit less stupid.

This is a good thing (unless you have a monobrow) so we should all rejoice about this development.

The next time you stare at yourself in the mirror give yourself the double thumbs up and wobble your eyebrows up and down.

After this, proclaim in a very loud voice (so at least one person hears you), “Eyebrows, I love you so! You complete my forehead!” And all will be glorious.