Here at Professional Moron we are greatly bored by politics, but it is a necessity born out of the need to buy more cheese with what we find ourselves interested in it now. So we have decided to enter the political arena, and we started the ball dribbling with a series of polemical rants in articles online. These were written by Mr. Wapojif, and, unfortunately, they don’t appear to have gone down very well. The following words were levelled at him; “insanity”, “lunacy”, “psychosis”, “alright”, and, “deranged”. Since then we have managed to tone his manifesto down a touch so normal human beings can understand the revolutionary nature of it all. It’s a, kind of, merger between Marxism and Capitalism. We’ve dubbed it Mapitalism. We outline our mighty leader Mr. Wapojif’s manifesto in today’s extraordinary post! Read on, Macduff, for a life changing experience!
Mapitalism takes the best bits of Marxism (unification of the classes) and Capitalism (the sheer range of cheeses) and injects a wholesome burst of zest into a stale political world. Putting it simply for complete simpletons; we’re in control and you sit back in the knowledge we’re not going to do something too stupid. The List of Stupid Things, as devised by Mr. Wapojif, is as follows; arbitrarily invading local regions, verbally abusive leaflet campaigns, taxing people for public nostril picking, and helping old women across the street. The final statement here is due to the following reason; Mr. Wapojif once helped an OAP across the road when he was younger. The events of this day have never left him; he never has disclosed the full details but it is believed the old woman was smeared over the windscreen of a milk float.
The Full Manifesto
Mr. Wapojif’s Mapitalism treatee isn’t overly complicated. It’s fashioned this way so the moronic proletariats can understand his intellectual prowess. “The idea for Mapitalism is the merger of the best bits of Marxism and Capitalism”, Mr. Wapojif whinnied, “I feel like I can make human society progress in the manner of a potato cooking in a microwave. At first it’s all inedible, and unless you drive holes through the potato it will detonate in the microwave. Yet, if you do knife some holes into it, the potato will cook and become edible. You can even add stuff to it like cheese, beans, eggs, marmite, ham, sprouts; truly politics, if it is to have a future (and it does need a future, otherwise it will not exist), must be like the versatile potato – forever in step with cooking appliances (and enjoyable for all); at least for the time being. Indeed.” Mr. Wapojif has stated he will also return the Stocks to society; “If anyone is caught stealing apples, ready meals, or cars, they will be placed in the stocks for a week. The public will be encouraged to pelt rotten eggs and pigeon droppings at the offender. This ritual humiliation is not only very funny, it also acts as a detterrent to would be criminals.”
Mr. Wapojif will be giving numerous talks about Mapitalism in November and December. His tour, titled the “Vote For Me You Bastards” tour, will be an hour long rant by our glorious leader targeting the “morons” in British society. Highlights will include the ritual “Name and Shame” of verbally demolishing an arbitrary member of the audience, being forced to listen to Cher Lloyd’s “Swagger Jagger” as punishment to people for not listening to proper music, the “Screaming Minute” where everyone lets their anger out, and the “Embarrassment Announcements” where audience members relate their most embarrassing moments. Mr. Wapojif will subsequently use these statements to ridicule the British public, and to blackmail audience members into voting for him.
Mr. Wapojif demands full autocratic rulership over the hapless Brits; in return he promises to be well behaved and spread the wealth amongst the masses, whilst maintaining all the fun of the commercial world. You will be able to watch the best movies (Howard the Duck will be on repeat 24/7), the best music (ABBA 24/7), the best food (McDonalds only 24/7), the best clothes (mittens are banned 24/7), and the very best health service (only patients with ingrowing toenails will be charged – £100 per nail 24/7). Your vote, sort of, counts!
(Stocks picture by Austin Redman)