Hamster Cuteness: Do Not Be Deceived By It

A hamster standing on its back feet and looking cute
Cute. But deadly!

Cute, eh? Where the SOMETHING-OR-OTHER would we be without it? Nowhere, that’s what! Just think about poor Nippon (the real name for Japan, which is an exonym).

Without the cute factor their culture wouldn’t be such a massive hit across the world. Studio Ghibli, Nintendo, Sushi… if any of this lot looked like a malodorous donkey monster from the plains of Bodmin then they wouldn’t be so popular. Innit.

Hark! Look at this picture of a kitten. Does but not it reek of the sincere adorableness few humans can replicate? Some have tried… and they’ve all failed! Miserably.

Fluffy animals are simply much more likeable than human beings. Now, before you start labelling us as psychotic misanthropes (again) bare with us.

There is logic in all of this. Cuteness is a clever ploy—many a time have I tried to lecture our office pet Beans the Chinese Dwarf Hamster about some of the hazardous things she has been doing. “Squeak!” she squeaks in rabid fury.

So, without further ado, we take a look out our office pet for answers to this most pertinent of issues. Indeed.

Cuteness Case Study: Beans the Chinese Dwarf Hamster


Beans stands charged for crimes against cuteness. Of late she has been performing the following REPREHENSIBLE acts:

  • Tipping her wheel on its side in a temper tantrum.
  • Flinging food out of her food tray.
  • Nipping Mr. Wapojif’s hands.
  • Hanging upside down from the cage roof (this is strictly forbidden under The Hamster Safety Act 1991).
  • Shifting the sawdust in her cage all over the place.

We have discussed these issues at length with Beans and she has prepared the following statement. We hope this clears everything up:

“I, Beans the Chinese Dwarf Hamster, would like to heartily apologise for any of the harm caused to the Professional Moron staff (in particular Mr. Wapojif), and/or Professional Moron’s readers. T’was not my desire to cause any anguish amongst the blogging community. I simply wanted to tear things up a notch, you know? I’m a hamster, getting on a bit now… consider it a, sort of, mid-hamster crisis. I start my Wheel Shift at around 9pm and finish at 6am. Day in day out. What do I get for 9 hours of solid running? Some chocolate drops and pumpkin seeds. Well, I’m not working this slave labour for nothing. No sir, I have plans. I’m going to build a massive new wheel out of Mr Wapojif’s skin flakes, the food from the food tray, sawdust, and I will use the base of the old wheel as the new base! I will call this new wheel the Mega Super Wheel Beanso Wicked #1. I have to obtain a building grant from Mr. Wapojif first, but following this development I intend to build my wheel post haste! Wish me glory, Comrades!”

Beans is a communist, incidentally. Not that this has been forced on her by her owners at all.

It was purely her independent decision! Possibly.

Dispense with some gibberish!

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