Are Pens Pensive?

The pen car!

It’s a question what done and haunted us for some thyme, this here blog question above. There are two points to violently argue out on this notion; 1) Pens are not sentient beings, it is the human (and occasional animal) behind the pen who does the emotive stuff, and, 2) Pens, it is argued, take over control of an individual’s brain once the pen has been picked up. Each pen has a distinct personality and, consequently, this is why there is (and are) such a varied writing style amongst authors.

Now, we understand the theory behind point 2 has an endless amount of holes in it. It doesn’t even make any sense, but we’ve got Albert Einstein behind us, guv! For, this mathematical genius said, in 1949, “A pen, one perceives, is the true ruler of the Universe! Therefore, I fully believe Professional Moron to be correct in their assertion, even though they don’t exist yet, and I am still alive!”*

So, in atypical Professional Moron fashion we argue out the causality and sandwiches of the matter. Behold!


For Pens Being Pensive


Yes, Pens are sentient! The truth is so very, very obvious. Plus Mr. Einstein is on our side. Says it all, really. Who’s going to argue with his staggering genius? Unfortunately, as this is a very new theory we don’t have much evidence to back it up. Our very own Mr. Wapojif spent some two hours talking to his pen at work today. Asides from some concerned looks from his colleagues, he heard nary a chirrup from his ball point pen. Indeed, he even lost his violent temper at one point and began calling the pen names. Words are altered for decency; “YOU FUPPING PIECE OF SHIP! WHY I OUGHT TO FUPPING WELL SHOVE YOU IN THE BIN YOU FUPPING FUPPER!” He was later found curled up in a ball on the floor, mumbling about sandwiches. Thankfully it’s the weekend and he can fully recover in bed.

Against Pens Being Pensive

Aliens live on the dark side of the Moon. Eclipses like this lead to official days off, at which point the Aliens get very drunk.

The evidence against Pens being Pensive is put forward by the Aliens who reside on the Dark Side of the Moon. These reasonably amiable chaps go by the name of Shrishnus. They are 13ft tall, have seventeen eyes (only one of which works – evolution, eh?), four feet, two legs, one arm, and an intergalatic fleet of Universe destroying War Ships. They have travelled seventeen billion light years from the planet Ear Wax to shed doubt on Professional Moron’s theory. Their leader, Biff, had this to say; “*((*&*&$^&^&£@@~~}}£~££$$£!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!>”. Translated into English this means, “You stupid, idiotic, morons! Pens are just things you write with!” Mr. Wapojif, enraged, sent a vitriolic response, “You are all fuddy duddies!” it proclaimed. We have not heard from them since. Professional Moron has once again proven that, in the face of real life, being immature will get you everywhere. All hail Pensive Pens!


*NB: Please note, this quote is entirely fabricated. We just needed it to help our theory along. Hopefully some folk won’t read this and will blindly perceive Pens to be the rulers of Earth and beyond.

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