Are Pens Pensive?

A collection of ballpoint pens next to some coins

It’s a question that’s haunted us for some time—are pens pensive? There are two points to violently argue out on this notion:

  1. Pens are not sentient beings, it is the human (and occasional animal) behind the pen who does the emotive stuff
  2. Pens, it is argued, take over control of an individual’s brain once the pen has been picked up.

The Pensiveness of Pens

Each pen has a distinct personality and, consequently, this is why there is (and are) such a varied writing style amongst authors.

Now, we understand the theory behind point 2 has an endless amount of holes in it. It doesn’t even make any sense, but we’ve got Albert Einstein behind us, guv!

For, this mathematical genius said, in 1949, “A pen, one perceives, is the true ruler of the Universe! Therefore, I fully believe Professional Moron to be correct in their assertion, even though they don’t exist yet, and I am still alive!”

So, in atypical Professional Moron fashion we argue out the causality and sandwiches of the matter. Behold!

For Pens Being Pensive

Yes, Pens are sentient! The truth is so very, very obvious. Plus Mr. Einstein is on our side. Says it all, really. Who’s going to argue with his staggering genius? Unfortunately, as this is a very new theory we don’t have much evidence to back it up.

Our very own Mr. Wapojif spent some two hours talking to his pen at work today.

Asides from some concerned looks from his colleagues, he heard nary a chirrup from his ballpoint pen. Indeed, he even lost his violent temper at one point and began calling the pen names.

he was later found curled up in a ball on the floor, mumbling about sandwiches. Thankfully it’s the weekend and he can fully recover in bed.

Against Pens Being Pensive

The evidence against Pens being Pensive is put forward by the aliens who reside on the Dark Side of the Moon. These reasonably amiable chaps go by the name of Shrishnus.

They are 13ft tall, have seventeen eyes (only one of which works—evolution, eh?), four feet, two legs, one arm, and an intergalactic fleet of Universe destroying War Ships.

They have travelled seventeen billion light-years from the planet Ear Wax to shed doubt on Professional Moron’s theory.

Translated into English this means, “You stupid, idiotic, morons! Pens are just things you write with!” Mr. Wapojif, enraged, sent a vitriolic response, “You are all fuddy-duddies!” it proclaimed. We have not heard from them since.

Professional Moron has once again proven that, in the face of real-life, being immature will get you everywhere. All hail Pensive Pens!

Dispense with some gibberish!

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