What do real men do? They get angry at football matches, they drink lots of beer, they behave in a misogynistic way, they whistle at women from white vans or makeshift scaffolding, they procreate and then leave their missus to look after the screaming brat, they stink bad, indulge in flatulence, they’re aimlessly homophobic, don’t do the washing up, they’re hairy, some of them grow monobrows, others have big stinking man feet, and almost all of them are thoroughly occupied with one activity. The bastards. So here today Professional Moron, as guided by the witticisms of office pet Beans the Chinese Dwarf Hamster (a female, no less) provide all the reprehensible men of the world with a guide on how to act like a Gentleman of yore. None of this new age Alpha Male nonsense.
SO! If’ you’re a man pay attention as this will win you kudos in the community for being a decent human being. It’s not difficult to accomplish, all you need is some thyme, money, and maybe a great big dollop of charisma. Get to it, good sir!
Behave In The Manner Appropriate For A Gentleman
Remember, your “woman” is your Queen. This means throwing down your coat over puddles so she doesn’t get her shoes wet, mercilessly beating anyone who “disses” her, purchase her ridiculously expensive jewellery, should any scoundrels attempt to steal this fancy jewellery you must be skilled in martial arts to demolish these vagabonds, and, finally, you must open doors for ALL women ALWAYS. Women will respect you for this and thank you for you non-callous behaviour.
Your mannerisms will be duly noted. Do not sit on public transport belching etc. Sit with your back straight and never, NEVER pick your nose. If you have to cough or sneeze say, “Beg pardon!” before you do, and afterwards remark, “I say!”. Be enthusiastic and positive, however make sure you lament any developments you could consider risqué. This is best left at your judgement, but activities such as running for a bus, taking a copy of a free newspaper, yodelling, and/or skipping gaily should be frowned upon. The more rigid and robot-esque you appear the more an gentleman you are.
Provide For Your Community
You will need to return to your prehistoric roots and become a hunter gatherer once again. This means, at the end of your working day, you will have to get deep down and funky by going on a hunt for a wild animal. You must remain gentlemanly throughout your foraging with, preferably, an old school double barrelled shotgun. Exclaim, “By jove!” regularly as you hunt down urban foxes, rats, and donkeys. Once you have made a suitable kill you must drag the beast home in full view over other males to show your gentlemanly prowess. Remark “How spiffing!” at twenty second intervals during your trip home.
You will need to adopt a more archaic, gentlemanly form of speech. Use “Sir” all the time, even when addressing women, and adopt an accent like Hugh Grant, or anyone from the film Titanic (except the Scottish guy, and Leonardo DiCaprio). Magazines such as The Gentleman’s Magazine will teach you the proper ways to talk. As aforementioned, popular sayings can be, but are not limited to; I say!, By Jove!, Golly gosh!, Spiffing!, Sir, Outstanding!, Madame, You rotter!, Blagard!, Well… I… never!, Jolly good show, old sport!, Sonny Jim, and, What rotten luck, old bean! Use these words and sayings relentlessly to boost your Gentleman Credentials.
You’re going to need monocles. Lots of them. They can be tricky to wear so get used to balancing them on your eye. DO NOT: eat the monocles, use the monocles as a means to beat people up, use the monocles to clean your ears, throw the monocles at people, use the monocles to make a strange type of soup.
Remember, the monocle is your friend. Use the monocle to look; refined, intelligent, intellectual, in no way violent, and as a means to do something with your hands as you enjoy witty banter at dinner parties. Regularly remove the monocle from your eye and give it a clean on your tuxedo. Should you, at any point, drop your monocle into your glass of brandy then the persona you have created has been destroyed. Flee at the first opportunity and never contact your family or friends again. The gentleman’s game is the most brutal of them all, sir.