Monsters of Fear: The Haggis Beast!

Mr. Wapojif’s artistic impression of The Haggis Monster.

Here at Professional Moron we’ve, of late, been having some pretty full on dreams. As you can tell by the blog post’s title some of them, perhaps, have involved the dreaded Haggis Beast. This creature comes from times of yore and is, bascially, a 50ft tall haggis (as in a haggis still in its skin container thing). So, a pre-cooked haggis. Well, it’s already been cooked as it’s the heart, lungs, liver, spleen, teeth, ears, jewellery, and wellingtons of a sheep boiled in its stomach. But then it cools down, gets packaged, and you, the purchaser, have to heat it (the haggis) up again. So what can you expect, and do, should you run into this ethereal terror beast? Read on to find OUT!

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Thanks to global warming, and other issues such as nuclear fallout, genetic modification, cloning, pollution, normal haggi (the plural of haggis) are being transformed into these gargantuan killer monsters. The only real response is to fear their merciless braying and slaying; the Haggis Monsters are out to get you. Fortunately Professional Moron is on hand to offer some awesome advice on how to smash them up good! Groovy!

You’ll need one of these.

1) One of the things above would be handy as The Haggis Beasts have destructive powers such as; X Ray Vision, an arsenal of nuclear warheads, obscenities, nose picking/flicking activities, and a general malodorous stench. A tank or armoured vehicle would allow you to overcome these obstacles, whereupon you would need some sort of giant flamethrower (hereby dubbed the Super Uber Flamethrower) or something. Why are they called Flame throwers anyway? They’re more like Flamespewers, or Flamebelchers, or Flamevomiters…

2) If you are within 10ft of a Haggis Beast you’ve had it!

3) Haggis Beasts have no sense of remorse; why should they? They’re giant balls of haggis! As such you can’t reason with them, so politely asking them to clear off somewhere else will not go down very well. The best bet is to panic and make a run for it. With a bit of luck the Haggis Beast will be a bit hammered and won’t bother chasing after you.

4) Haggis Beasts have a real fondness for beer. Perhaps build a giant swimming pool of the stuff to attract them all. Groups of Haggi Beasts are known to lounge about in the beer whilst belching, scratching themselves, and generally being grotesque layabouts.

5) Never fear, there’s always Haggisman. He’s a Super Hero who smashes stuff up with his massive man muscles! There he is below! Is it a slug? Why is he moving so slowly? Is it Jabba the Hut? No! Does he have dangerously high blood pressure and piles!? Yes! It’s Haggisman!

The Haggi Hero. Also known as Haggisman.

Have some gibberish to dispense with?

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