Professional Moron’s Anger Management Lesson #1

Never get on the wrong side of a penguin.

Anger’s increasingly prevalent in contemporary life. We all know this. It’s not something we’ve just invented on a whim; all you need to do is have a walk around any city centre and, before long, there will be some moment of belligerence between maniacs. This is anger management at its very worst, and can also manifest into road rage, cake rage, jam rage, cheese rage, and/or yodelling rage. The latter is the most severe form of anger management, as yodellers have been known to become so furious their yodels reach an almighty pitch. The pressure grows to such a level a yodeller’s head implodes. Nasty.

Other forms of anger are more commonplace. Lots of folk get computer rage; if your PC suddenly goes AWOL on you there isn’t much thyme before Mr. and Mrs. Fury come bursting out of their hiding place. Many laptops have been hurled out of property windows as they just couldn’t download that idiotic Gangham Style YouTube video quickly enough. For shame! So, if this sounds familiar read on, for Professional Moron provides the answers! “TO WHAT!??!?” you scream. To anger management issues, dear.

———————-

Tip #1: Remain Calm. Always

Fist waving is a good exercise to dissipate anger.

Yes, being all stoic about stuff is a virtue. The opposite end of this cavernous spectrum is to go all crazy like Arnold Schwarzenegger does in plenty of movies. Except Twins. And The Terminator. Actually, he was pretty violent in the former. And in Kindergarten Cop. Why is it Kindergarten, anyway? Why not Kindergarden? It sounds a lot better and, as we like gardens, would hold a lot more happy memories than this “garten” nonsense. Look at the former word; Kinder. Kinder Garden sounds amazing! The type of place where you’d find lots of honey, flowers, and other stuff. A Kinder Garten reminds us of the type of place you’d go if you needed to scrape chewing gum off your shoes. The toilet. Maybe this is why people are always so angry.

Tip #2: Extreme Violence Is Not The Answer

Swearing? Maybe.

Unless you’re Arnold Schwarzenegger, in which case feel free to smash anything up good! For the rest of us, though, we’re not rich and famous enough to get away with mashing someone’s face in with a cupboard sized fist and Mount Everest styled man muscles. Instead we must resort to the meek and pacifist styled stuff. Stoic principles. This type of thing, rather than smashing stuff up with a cricket bat. Whilst this would be great fun it simply is not the answer and will land you in trouble. SO! We postulate the following; next time you get angry throw yourself into a river. This should be enough of a shock to calm you down.

Tip #3: Deep Breathing And Other Techniques

The phrase “never tickle a dog” is world famous.

Deep breathing is also an excellent technique, so once you’re past the river stage you can try and calm your inner fury with thoughts of whale song, children’s laughter, T. Rex from the Jurassic Park films, the bit in Jaws where the guy’s head (minus an eyeball) floats into view. All of these are (I have found anyway) to be very relaxing and enough to distil thoughts of arbitrary aggression.  Other useful techniques include; thinking of Arnold Schwarzenegger yodelling from the peak of Mount Everest, immersing your skull into a vat of honey, taking your rage out on a therapist with a cricket bat, and/or plucking your nostril hairs with a box of matches.

Have some gibberish to dispense with?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.