Election 2012 Special: The Future Of America

This man knows his politics.

Here at Professional Moron we’ve made no secret of our country of residence. We’re English, right? This place is part of the United Kingdom, which itself helps constitute Europe. Europe is a continent comprised of other nations such as Mars and Jupiter, whilst the other continents (one being The Bolton Evening News) get all jealous and say Europeans can’t be as ace as they are as they’ve never even been to The Moon. Whilst they’re at it we accuse this continent of fabricating the Moon landing to further their cause, whilst other continents and nations fumble their way through each year. Whilst this is all going on we try, really, REALLY hard, to not destroy each other with our vast nuclear arsenals.

With the fundamentals of Earth’s political structure out of the way, we can at least rejoice after the American elections. Oh yes, us folk who couldn’t even vote paid huge interest in this. Indeed. So don’t for one second think we here at Professional Moron don’t know anything about politics. Why, just last month our very own Mr. Wapojif was mocked and laughed at when he postulated the notion of our office pet Beans the Chinese Dwarf Hamster becoming Prime Minister. That’s of England, y’all. We think her policy on “pumpkin seeds… lots of pumpkin seeds!” would have seen a huge change in the UK’s obesity crisis. Indeed. Anyway, one must not dwell on stuff what done and not happened. Give us the wisdom of America! Read on sir/madam.

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What They Fought For: The White House’s Food

To the victor? The spoils!

When all is said and done what Mr. Obama and Miss. Romney really slugged it out is for da food in da white house, yo! Just look at it pictured above there! Behold its glory! All that cutlery just to eat a small dish like this! It must make you feel like a King. Of course Mr. Obama (he won, incidentally) may well try and eat his carrot/biscuit/pear thing with the glass positioned at the top right (heck, even we’ve done it once or twice in a moment of stupidity, although we were eating sushi at the time). Miss. Romney will have to stick to McDonalds from now on; he’s got $250 million stashed away so we’re sure he’ll be fine. Any chance he’ll give any of that to the victims of Hurricane Sandy? Please? Josh joshing, Mitt, we know you need it for your 1st class ticket when Jesus comes back! You don’t want to be sitting with the proles during that particularly journey, eh? Your magic underwear might get all sweaty! Indeed, sir!

How The English Perceived The Election

Broadway Tower, Worcestershire. The Beatles used to live in this castle. Innit.

Surprise surprise, the BBC covered the elections with such manic fervency any Americans living in the UK must have thought they were back home. Part of this manic coverage was due to the BBC’s desire to bury one hell of an embarrassing story involving a certain Sir Jimmy Savile who, it turns out, spent numerous decades causing untold psychological trauma. But that’s a story for the Crown Courts.

All us Brits say is this; Well Done, America! You voted logically and with reason. It’s best not to have a braying donkey at your helm. Just look at Professional Moron! We can barely tell what’s going on most of the thyme, but at least we don’t have to run a country. We just look after Beans the Chinese Dwarf Hamster. And, lo, this is the English way. Good night, darling readers!

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