Whilst you may be delighted with the New Year and all the potential it holds, there’s one dude who isn’t so chuffed.

It’s the Happy New Year Monster. Now I know what you’re thinking – “I really love cabbage!”, or possibly, “Isn’t this Monster just a new version of Scrooge’s ‘bah, humbug!’ stuff?” And, well, you’re wrong. Plain and simple, stupid.

The Happy New Year Monster is a neo-Marxist existential pacifist secular fascist (a NMEPSF for a catchy acronym short), so, consequently,  he’s not really the most jovial sort as he’s always a bit bewildered about what he actually believes in and supports.

Yes, it’s a tough life as a neo-Marxist existential pacifist secular fascist, but someone has to do it. Unfortunately this someone is the Happy New Year Monster so, instead of spreading joy, you’re going to have to make do with constant perplexity.

Anyway, to find out more about this enigmatic, charismatic, misanthropic, confusedly confused, and downright brilliant Monster read on good sir/madam!

The Monstrosities in Store Every New Year

The Happy New Year Monster doesn’t do too much, it has to be said. He is so gosh darned bewildered it’s kind of tough to know what’s going on!

He does, however, take great interest in the world and enjoys the following; travelling, hanging out with his best mate Insane Man, and eating gooseberries. It’s not a difficult life, but it sure is a confusing one.

But, what ho, he does love to travel! Here’s a picture of the loveable Monster at Stonehenge in Wiltshire, England.

His best mate is Insane Man (pictured below). He is an unemployable wretch who is addicted to Jaffa Cakes and can barely string a sentence together. It’s a sad tale.

However, the duo are very happy together and plan to get married at some point in 2013 (“Possibly at New Year 2014, and our honeymoon will be in Skegness, England, as it’s cheap and cheerful!”).

Insane Man’s political persuasions are “muh?”, his religious beliefs, “buh?”, and his sense of moral obligations towards the Universe, “zuh?”

The Happy New Year Monster often attempts to teach Insane Man about the complexity of the cosmos and the bleak, existential dismay he often feels within his futile brain. Insane Man merely nods his head and eats Jaffa Cakes.

It’s a difficult life being the Happy New Year Monster, but someone’s got to do it.

Asides from his marketing commitments he often likes to stare wistfully into the distance whilst quoting Nietzsche’s oft heard quote.

“When you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you.”

That’s included in James Cameron’s The Abyss, of course. But it’s all before our dude begins bellowing,

“That which does not kill us makes us stronger!”

Straight into the howling wind and disappearing off into the night for another year.

And, guess what, the miserable git didn’t even once say “Happy New Year!” For shame, sir. For shame.