Beware the Graffiti Monsters

Be aware, dammit!

Many times have we seen urban graffiti on city walls and buildings and monuments and other guff. We always have the same terrified reaction of “WHO DID THIS!?!??!” Most of the thyme we have no idea as the graffiti artist has disappeared. The REALLY confusing thing Is some of the artwork can be really tall… unfeasibly tall for a human being. This lead our very own Mr. Wapojif to the conclusion that it is, actually, very artistic monsters who are going out and doing all of this! “Er, can you explain his reasoning there, Professional Moron?” Of course, stupid readers! Monsters, you see, tend to be very TALL. Taller than humans. Not as tall as Mount Everest, fo’ sho’, but certainly an impressive enough height to be able to reach unhuman highs. Indeed, just think about Beauty and the Beast and how big the beast is in that – he’s about the size of a shed. Awesome! So read on for a guide on monster graffiti and what you didn’t know was happening in your city centre. Waaaa!


Evidence: The Graffiti Monster!


Although we’ve never seen Graffiti Monsters we’ve decided (based on facts from *mumble grumble mumble*) they probably look something like this (the above picture). Their legs, anyway. What their top bit looks like we have no idea. Anyway, should you see anyone with legs like this you are to nod knowingly at them, tap the right side of your nose, and say, “I nose you knows what I nose.” After this bray like a donkey and dance like a giraffe – we have decided this is the Graffiti Monster “code”, as it were. Donut worry – all of this IS based on evidence (which we’re not going to provide to you).

Abbey Road?


Okay, so this one probably is done my people. We figured maybe starting with a human one would make you understand the inhuman ones which are coming up faster than a speeding hippy.

This is the Abbey Road street sign in London. If you have a brain you’ll realise why this is a popular tourist destination. It’s got something to do with cheese.

Dog Beast

Happy chappy.

This happy dog, with a green nose, is clearly the work of demonic forces. Obviously the Graffiti Monsters aren’t always in a psythotic mood; we presume with this particular piece they were out of it on some sort of happy drug. Marmite, perhaps.

Rat Beast


Scary, right? Indeed. Some of the Graffiti Monsters like to mimick the human TV shows they have seen. Here the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are in action. That’s Shredder the Rat; master of ninja and he lives in a sewer. Nice, right? Who ever came up with that weird TV show?


Uh huh huh…

Elvis in action here for what looks like a tribute to odious bling fest The X Factor. This can only be a creation by a misanthropic beast from the realms of who knows where, as we all know it’s impossible to watch The X Factor for more than three minutes without heading into convulsions. Beware this beast most of all!

Monster by Monster


We think this could actuall be a clue as to what some of the Graffiti Monsters look like from the torso perspective, so if you see anyone who looks like this walking around then you know the culprit of numerous graffiti is right before you. Tremble in trembling trembles.

A Warning To Humanity

Another warning?
Another warning?

Without doubt this is a warning to all humans. The Graffiti Monsters have done a self-portrait here and it could well lead to the annihalation of the human race. Hold onto your eyebrows, people, this could get very bloody scary!

The Humans!


Presumably this is how humans appear to the Graffiti Monsters. A sight of utter terror for them, and this is why they want to hunt us down like the DOGS we aren’t.

ASBO Gatherers?

Graffiti Monsters have lots of thyme on their hands.

Indeed, this would suggest Graffiti Monsters are often a bit bored and so attack derelict houses. Either that or this is a display of territoriality. Whatever it is, we don’t like this one very much. It’s too bright.


Is this in a public toilet?

Egads, they’re even in our public toilets, defacing the world! Now you can’t even go for a No.1 or 2 without feeling the sickly terror of cold fear gripping you. Whilst you’re washing your hands (you must ALWAYS wash your hands after visiting the toilet) you should not stare at this work of horror directly. Scuttle out into the streets and be safe, dear readers!


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