What’s in the Abyss?

Deep… dark… scary! It’s water!

And by The Abyss we don’t mean the 1989 James Cameron film with Michael Biehn and Ed Harris. No, we mean the Abyssal Zone of the ocean – the really deep bits. Deeper even than the Deep End at the local swimming baths. We’re talking REALLY deep. And not philosophical deep, either, we mean the type of deep where only weird creatures and other stuff can live. But beyond even this area is the Mariana Trench which reaches a maximum-known depth of about 7 miles; why “maximum-known”? Well as nobody really knows anything about the massive bloody thing. Yep, that’s right, there are areas on our planet we have virtually no idea about, and yet here we are blasting off to Mars as we want to land on that desolate, lifeless planet soooooo much, don’t we NASA?

Deep down there it’s tough for life to really FLOURISH like a daffodil, but there are things like xenophyophores who are about as charismatic and charming as a dead rat. Seriously, dogs and stuff are much more fun. Anyway, we got to thinking… seeing as the place is so unobserved and unknown, there must be all sorts of wild and amazing things in there!?!? We put our collective brains together and fathomed the fathoms to find out what. Behold!

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Daffodils

Here they are! The bee's best mate.
Here they are! The bee’s best mate.

Why not? We can see there being a great big ruddy horde of daffodils to be honest with you all. You see the pressure of the water at that level would probably be enough to drag the daffodils through from the other side of the world in a process known as a Massive Inverted Implosion. Now asides from just making that up there is at least PROOF that daffodils exist. Behold the picture above mere mortals!

Elvis

"Uh huh huh."
“Uh huh huh.”

He’s not dead, his most ardent (and deluded) supporters insist. Indeed, he’s not dead… only if you also believe that giant Space Rabbits visit you during the night and make you change position during your sleep. Hah! What an absurd notion! Anyway, Elvis is actually in the Mariana Trench it has been scientifically proven. Leading Aquatic Submarine expert Mr. Aquatics had this to say, “Elvis is definitely down there as I could hear Blue Suede Shoes playing as we hovered over the trench in our submersible.” There you go, proof! Although some critics have stated it could have just been the iPod playing away in the background at that specific moment.

Pi

Pi, not pie. Pi.

Pi’s not best liked by the other mathematical equations, and stuff, as it has a much cooler name than all the rest. As an outcast there’s really nowhere else for Pi to go. Ironically Pi initially attempted living in numerous pies, “They never would have checked for me there, it’s too obvious!” but when one more intelligent Wiganer chomped into a Butter Pie there was nothing else for Pi to do but hoist up its underwear, leave Northern England and head out into the South Pacific. Whilst waltzing it found its merry home and now lives amongst the daffodils and enjoys conversations with Elvis. Not bad, eh?

The Earth’s Core

Looks like an unusual type of sandwich.
Looks like an unusual type of sandwich.

It stands to figure, eh? If you’re that deep towards the centre of the Earth the core will be just around the corner. Now the problem with this hypothesis is that, you know, it’s a bit warm near the core and all the daffodils and what have you would either be incinerated or, worse, not even be given the chance to incinerate due to the staggering heat! Well the trick here is just to ignore any scientific evidence against this possibility and just repeat the mantra, “The Flying Spaghetti Monster allows anything to happen!” and there you go! You’re brainwashed! Hopefully not too brainwashed or you’ll become even more moronic than Professional Moron, and then we’re out of a job. Think of our office pet Beans the Chinese Dwarf hamster then, you bastards! Where will she go?!? Into the wild! Don’t even think about it!

Hippies

Having "crashed" the car the Hippies soon decided to give up and take to the Abyss.
Having “crashed” the car the Hippies soon decided to give up and take to the Abyss.

Well they all had to go somewhere after the ‘60s, didn’t they? And what do you think they did; took up high powered jobs serving fries in McDonald’s, become drug dealers like Walter White, be lorry drivers, or perhaps they opened up Space Cake shops in Amsterdam? Of course not, stupid! They all decided they’d had enough of the rat race and piled headfirst into the Pacific Ocean. After a bit of a swim about in confusion they eventually settled in the Mariana Trench where, it is said, if you listen quietly you can hear the murmur of “far out, maaan, it’s Hendrix!” on the ocean’s current.

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