On The Origins of Marmalade

Marmalade, which can also be referred to as "jam with bits of peel in it." Innit.
Marmalade, which can also be referred to as “jam with bits of peel in it.” Innit.

We’re not ones for madcap hyperbole or pointless sensationalism here at Professional Moron. Despite this, we’d like to cover the controversial topic of marmalade. As postulated so emphatically in Charles Darwin’s “On The Origin of the Bee Gees”, the nature of marmalade is oft disputed. Violently so. Wars have been fought, nasty things said, and even the odd outraged finger accusingly pointed. Why? There are some who say marmalade evolved from lowly, inferior condiments you’d find lying around in a pub (such as “The Turnip and the Shed”). Others believe marmalade is the demented offspring of a riotious, debauched night between strawberry jam and marmite. There are also those who believe marmalade was invented by humans merely as a source of orangey tastiness (known as Marmaleists). Finally, there are those who refute everything and state the god Marmalina created marmalade over the course of several days using a mixture of salt, aspic, and the earlobe from a working class scumbag from Wigan.

It’s impossible to tell what the truth to all this is, but one thing is fo’ sho’: marmalade is mighty tasty. Not to be deterred by impossibilities, our very own Mr. Wapojif went on a fact finding mission armed with a pickaxe and sawn off shotgun (i.e. he took to Wikipedia in an exaggerated manner). He soon discovered several falsities, numerous inanities, and the odd half-truth. Marmalade is a “fruit preserve” made with at least 17 bags of sugar, a glass of water, and two oranges (with a bit of orange peel). Now apparently you can use mandarins, grapefruits, limes, lemons, cheese, haggis, lobster, and/or “kumquats” (we presume this is some form of nuclear missile) in this process of preserve procreation. It’s all very alarming, and a highly distressed Mr. Wapojif abandoned his search for meaningful information and fled out of the building screaming. He has not been seen since. We trust this has been edifying for all of you.

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