Eyeouch: When you accidentally jab yourself in the eye

To be honest we could have thought of a better term than “Eyeouch”, but we’re lazy so you’re going to have to make do with it. The word itself, as you can see from the headline above, refers to when you make an elementary mistake.

Eyes are amazing things as you use them to see stuff, but they get itchy from time to time. Luckily, as humans, we have hands and fingers which provide potential to alleviate an eye itch.

However, this throws up a horrifying hazard which we all occasionally fall foul of. As you loftily raise your index finger (it’s usually this one – who in their right brain would itch their eye with their little finger?!? Freaks!) to remove the itch, some sort of fundamental depth perception issue happens and you jam you finger into your eyeball.

There are numerous outcomes to eyeball incidents such as this. A noted occurrence is watery eye syndrome: the thing won’t stop. It’ll water away, adding a possibility to onlookers you’re even more of an idiot as you’re crying as a result of your clumsiness. Worse still, onlookers in general will think you’re a total klutz.

It’s like falling over, or accidentally hitting your head on something – the utter failure of one of the most fundamental daily human occurrences. Think about it: how many times a day do you itch your eye? Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, is insane enough to keep a daily record and has done for several years.

He states his daily eye itchage to be 104.5 (the half as he sometimes abandons an itch as it clears itself up – in biology this is known as Eyeball Procrastination), which equates to 418 itches per month. In turn this totals some 5,016 eyeball itches per year. Shockingly, by the age of 30 your average human being will have itched their eyeballs 150, 480 times. We consequently calculated one in every 5,000th eyeball itch would result in an Eyeouch, which means your average 30 year old has dimwittedly debased themselves 30.9 times. Terrifying statistics, we think you’ll agree. Sadly, there is no cure.

All we can recommend is you wear protective goggles and a hazmat suit 24/7 to avoid such issues. Take care, everyone.

Dispense with some gibberish!

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