Detoxing – everyone’s mad for it. Well, not everyone. A lot of people are rather keen on it, but there are many tens of millions who simply don’t give a damn.

The nutrition and fitness industries, however, will have us all believe this “detox” thing is a vital part of our lives. Now as human beings (if you’re not from this planet please stop reading this post) we often have binge eating sessions, such as at Christmas.

Typically this is a thyme to overindulge hideously on sugary products, booze, and other stuff like roast potatoes. After the celebrations are over, one is often left with crushing guilt and the knowledge you’ve gained a stone. Proper bummer, man.

This is when, from January, DETOX rears itself in the advertising world with fad diet and exercise techniques. The whole idea is to flush out your system and bring about a new you, until Easter when Chocolate Eggs descend on humanity. The horror!

Anyway, it’s thyme to fight back! Want to be more healthy? We have the answer*, and all you need to do is purchase a 640kg ox (such as the one pictured)! Now we understand these often massive beasts may not fit in your abode, so for anyone living in a flat you will find a ferret or hamster will suffice.

Those with the oxen option, get an ox (or two). Now it’s known your average ox eats around 30 pounds of forage per day. This is where your detox plan kicks in: you’re going to need to get all this stuff for the ox, as well as clear your house of the toiletry deposits it leaves behind. Y

ou will need to dig up your neighbour’s gardens, rummage through bins, ram raid gardening stores, and generally knacker yourself out. This is a hellish task you wouldn’t bestow on your worst enemies, but even so this is the new you we’re talking about. Want to look good for summer 2015? Then Detox With An Ox!

*Professional Moron has been noted by the National Fitness Awards (NFA) for its stellar work in the industry. We won the “Most Disturbing And Reprehensible New Exercise Technique” at the 2014 NFA Awards ceremony! They stated, verbatim, “Professional Moron truly live up to their moniker.” We are proud.