New year (almost), new dating opportunities await! We’ve opened up Professional Moron to the singles of the world to promote their excellence to fellow humans.
There’s a week ahead of this, so get your romance caps on and romance the heck out of this final week of 2019, heading into 2020 with a reason to hate men even more!
Thusly, take your pick from the following human male specimens of excellence. See one you like? Get in touch—and we’ll put them in touch. And then you decide if you want to keep in touch. Yeah?
Men Seeking Women
SoftboiBoy: Feminist (honest, I’m not bluffing or anything) who scrawls swoon-worthy poetry into his own flesh using a scalpel or utility knife. I may be fucked up, but it’s the price you pay to date a genius. Our offspring shall, indubitably, vis-à-vis splendorous plethora of vapid, grandiloquent ideation, behove the transcendent qualia pertaining to my mind.
DickheadDeirdre: You all right? Me again. Still single. Because I’m a dickhead. For 2020 I’m going all out up for dating men, women… whatever. I’m back out of jail again after I punched this guy in the face for being too polite. Now I want dates so I can vent my anger on everyone for no reason. Sound good? Well it goddamn well isn’t!
Editor’s note: DickheadDeirdre first appeared in our January 2017 online dating column. Despite a catalogue of disastrous dates, she’s still single. Please offer her your support this year by going on a date with her. She’s a dickhead, but she must carry out this function otherwise she’ll have no purpose.
LumberjackShirtLarry: Hello, I’m a lumberjack shirt guy. You know my type. We’re everywhere! Wherever I am, I’m in a lumberjack shirt. Wedding, funeral, romantic dinner, meeting your parents, “naked” in bed, open heart surgery, skydiving, proposing, job interviews—you name it, I’m in my trusty red and black lumberjack shirt. Date me and I’ll show you my extensive lumberjack shirt collection. One of them is even green!
OutOfYourLeagueGuy: Hey, babe. I’m Norman and I’m out of your league. Don’t even try it unless you’re in my league. Which 99.9% of babes aren’t. So when you message me, babe, it better be with something that blows my mind. Been there, done that. I expect to be amazed. Oh, by the way, I live with my mummy and I work as a toilet assistant in one of the biggest clubs in Manchester. I’m going places, babe. You need to be, too.
DadBodDerek: Heya, I’m Derek. Lovely bloke, great fun, good sense of humour, a solid career in engineering, and I have five kids from my last marriage. I need a new woman who likes men with dad bods (i.e. slightly podgy, but able to provide relative financial security). My last wife didn’t and ditched me for a bodybuilder. So I need my next woman to rear my five kids. Cheers.
CementKev: O’reet? I’m Kev, a builder in Burnley. I’m one of them builders you always see covered in flecks of cement lol. But I’m harmless. Just looking for a good woman who thinks Leave Means Leave so we can get them bastard foreigners out of this country. In me spare time I like hoarding pornography and getting pissed at footie matches.
LiberalLee: I’m a far left gentleman who’ll respect your boundaries and suppress the most fundamental carnal desires in order to agree with absolutely everything you say. I once stubbed my toe and announced, “Flipping heck!” Let’s discuss how I punished myself over the next six months over a dinner of raw broccoli and chives.
AilmentAndrew: Hello, I’m Andrew. I’m looking to date a nice woman who has a sympathetic mind. I have various issues that demand your tolerance, such as a constantly runny nose, scurvy (I refuse to eat fresh fruit or veg—mummy said I don’t have to), various maladaptive behavioural disorders, and this one time I almost choked to death from just breathing. My mate Johnny summed me up best, “You’re like a cucumber sandwich on white bread left out in the rain.” If you find that look attractive, let me know.
IntenseRussianLiteratureMan: I read nothing but the weightiest Russian epics known to humanity, so I’m pretty intense a lot of the time. If we go on a date, expect to be regularly fixed with nihilistic stares, between periods of me crouching in corners deliberating, plus I often break out into Russian folk dance. I take this lifestyle so seriously I now live as a peasant in a field under a mud hut. So, comrade, if you wish for a life of penury and pontification you know that I, Bob, am the man for you.
I’mInABand: Hi, chicks. I’m 30, play the guitar and I’m also lead singer in my band The Dipshits. Our latest single, The Flowers of Bromance, from our album Indigestion, is out now. When I’m not working in the local supermarket stacking shelves, I’m living the rock and roll lifestyle of drinking cheap cider and writing tunes with my boys. We’re gonna take over the world. Join me on this journey.