Why Do Humans Need To Comfort Food?

Breaking News: All boiled eggs to be fitted with a mandatory diaper!
Breaking News: All boiled eggs to be fitted with a mandatory diaper!

Comfort food: why do humans do it? We’ve given the idea a serious amount of noggin power over the last week. We’ll point out the obvious: food isn’t a sentient thing. When you buy a Pot Noodle it doesn’t rejoice as it is fulfilling its marketing driven legacy. The same goes for baked beans: not every bean needs to complete its destiny by leaving the tin. It’s okay if a stray one is left behind, dammit! Yet, clearly, every bean must fulfil its destiny as some people are wracked with existential dismay if they don’t empty a Baked Beans tin of ALL the beans. So why are humans now offering psychologically beneficial services for food?

To begin with, we must postulate why humans comfort food. There are several possibilities:

  1. The person is insane.
  2. The person is a clueless Hippy who needs to get an education.
  3. The person is under duress from the government (i.e. It’s the nanny state controlling us all!).

We don’t wish to succumb to psychotically vacuous hyperbole like blaming the “nanny state”, but it’s almost certainly due to #1, #2, and #3. The thought of a bunch of stupid humans sitting around offering comforting advice to food makes us ANGRY with rage! Imagine the following scenarios:

  • A grown man singing lullabies to a Shepherd’s Pie in order to help it sleep peacefully.
  • A Member of Parliament offering reassuring platitudes to a KFC Chicken Bucket meal.
  • Great Britain’s Prime Minister, Dave Cameron, crooning “Rock-a-bye Baby” to a Prawn, Mayo, and Rocket Sandwich.
  • The Queen of England opening a psychiatric centre for Vindaloo Curries with PTSD.
  • Barack Obama ordering all Boiled Eggs be fitted with diapers!
  • The United Nations demanding all citizens assist food products which have past their Best Before Dates across the road!!

Citizens of Earth, we preach to you thusly: stop this madness now!

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