Yesterday the internet, and nerds everywhere, went apepoo with the release of an 80 second teaser trailer for the latest Star Wars film. Normally we don’t follow conventions here at Professional Moron, but having read the intensely pedantic reactions from fans we thought we’d add our learned insights. Innit.
Star Wars: The Force Awakens Trailer
First up, watch the trailer above. Now you’re in the know, here’s what we think is wrong with the thing: everything! We don’t want to overreact about a sci-fi film aimed at a PG audience, but we think it’s an abomination against humanity.
Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, has spent 24 hours furiously penning a 10,000 word dissertation about the film’s colossal flaws. He did this amongst fits of rage and uncontrollable sobbing, such is the obvious disdain director JJ Abrams (or, should that be, JJ LOSER Abrams LOL!!!) has for making a proper Star Wars film.
So we got thinking. Then we thought some more. Then we sat down for a bit. Then we got up. Then we sat down and reeled off what we think the fans DESERVE in the next Star Wars, whilst considering some of the (many) criticisms levelled at the trailer.
- Many have suggested the new Light Sabre design is “dumb”. To rectify this matter, Abrams should make them sentient beings which quote lengthy physics equations at will. They won’t seem so dumb then, eh?
- Tomatoes: There isn’t a single tomato in the trailer! As any Star Wars acolyte knows, Luke Skywalker’s favourite soup was Tomato Soup. This is a disgrace! Have bowls of soup in at least 70% of scenes, and everyone must remark upon how excellent soup is!
- Where is Darth Vadar‘s pervy breathing? There should be at least one 40 minute segment set to a black screen with the monotonous breathing going on over and over and over and over…
- The Celine Dion Song: You know the one, it keeps playing all the time in the originals. It’s an iconic Star Wars tune and should be in there. Have it play every 5 minutes.
- Where is Harrison Ford in the legendary gold bikini? Get him in the bikini immediately for the entirety of the film, dammit!
- Why doesn’t anyone have a chin dimple!? Luke Skywalker had one! Make EVERYONE in the cast have a chin dimple, otherwise we’ll boycott the movie!
- Where is that loud braying hairy monster? If Big Foot isn’t available for a return performance, draft in some heavy metal fans as body doubles.