In America there is The Statue of Liberty, which is a great big statue about liberty. It’s an iconic American landmark NOT along the lines of stuff we have here in the UK: that knackered bridge on the M1 out of Manchester, Stone Hedge which has a motorway right next to it, Ben Nevis, Big Ben, Ben Elton (basically anyone/thing called Ben), the bungalow The Queen lives in, the pink cliffs of Dover, and Fish & Chips. As you might be able to tell from this list of derisory daftness, here at Professional Moron we feel we’re lacking in a landmark which truly defines Britishness. This is why we feel it’s right a Statue of Liability should be built somewhere just outside of London.
Like Manchester! It’s the pulsating heart of Britain and is renowned for its music, football, and occasional riot. In keeping with the accomplishedly ham-fisted way British folk go about things, The Statue of Liability will be a staggering achievement of architectural and design genius. T’will stand 300ft in the air, way (or weigh) 700 million tonnes, and will have a giant rotating head which will announce phrases as read by Her Majesty The Queen. These will happen every hour, and will include gems such as: “I say! What the bloody hell!?”, “Where’s my tea, slave!?”, “Bloody hell! It’s raining again!?!”, “My subjects deserve nothing but a flogging!”, “Beans on toast was invented by a true Brit!”, and “Let’s invade the Moon and rebuild the British Empire!”.
The statue, in true British style, will also be a major health and safety hazard. We’ve come up with an impressive list of its foibles to round off today’s cultural consideration:
- Gravitational difficulties – the statue will regularly fall over.
- A Fail Safe whereby, should The Queen not be within 300 miles of it at all times, it will detonate with the power of 30 nuclear warheads.
- It will have mood swings and will insult visitors, tourists, site workers, and security guards with all manner of profane inanities.
- Within years of its construction the statue will begin to decompose, in the process leaning disastrously in the direction of Manchester.
- Angry locals will respond by throwing beer bottles and Manchester United scarves at the leaning monstrosity, only to inadvertently set off the Fail Safe. Booooooom!