The Oscars 2015: Our Craziest Predictions!

The design has changed a bit this year.
The design has changed a bit this year.

The 87th Academy Awards is right round the corner. Hold onto your butts, it kicks off on the night of 22nd February and there are all manner of awards to be won. Mainly Oscars. All the stars will be there, many of whom have hilarious names: Reese Witherspoon, Benedict Cumberbatch, Eddie Redmayne, Marion Cotillard, Roasmund Pike, and (most amusingly of all) Steve Carrell (it looks a bit like Carol – like a Carol Singer… LOL!). Some of the films have less hilarious names, such as American Sniper. This film has courted controversy as it was supposed to be about a hairdressers in the US (American Snipper), but a typo meant a production change and the film became ultra violent.

Now, despite it being 2015, the Oscars honours the best films from 2014. Which was last year, although it’s really this year now. This took Professional Moron a long time to work out. Why aren’t the Oscars held last year? Confusing. Still, this year’s hosts for last year’s films are believed to be Boris Johnson (the UK’s Prime Minister), and former tennis superstar Martina Hingis (who is under instructions to be as drunk as possible). It’s going to be a blast!

Upstaging Ellen

Pizza!
Pizza!

Last year Ellen DeGeneres (who holds the World Record for most es in a name) hosted and did two really surprising things. The first was to hire a random pizza delivery guy to arrive mid-show and hand pizza to the likes of Brad Pitt. Next up she took a Selfie with herself and an array of stars (including a beaming Kevin Spacey) which broke Twitter due to its popularity.

This year’s hosts have stuff planned in an attempt to top this. It’s believed Boris Johnson will strip naked and perform a provocative rendition of Kylie Minogue’s “Can’t Get You Out Of My Head”, whilst Hingis is set to have an emotional breakdown which will culminate in her punching Clint Eastwood.

Eggs Benedict

Benedict Cumberbatch.
Benedict Cumberbatch.

Lovable Benedict Cumberbatch will be in attendance expecting to pick up an Oscar for The Imitation Game. Cumberbatch is indeed skilled at imitating people, but the film is about British genius Alan Turing. Not cucumbers. If he wins the Oscar, Cumberbatch has vowed to eat nothing but Eggs Benedict for the rest of the year. He will also prefix his name with Eggs Benedict Cumberbatch, and will make more episodes of Sherlock as we really could do with more already!

The Problem With Foxcatcher

Sneaky Mr. Fox.
Sneaky Mr. Fox.

In the UK upper class toffs swarmed to cinemas in their droves to see Steve Carrell in Foxcatcher. Sadly for them the film didn’t turn into the pro-fox hunting shindig they’d expected, leading to mass walkouts. As they left their respective cinemas they took to the internet to launch an anti-Foxcatcher campaign in order to support their weird pro-fox hunting views. The freaks! Events became highly confused when Fantastic Mr. Fox director, Wes Anderson, waded into the debate  by calling everyone “morons”. Cripes!!

Bradley Cooper’s Namesake Run In

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Bradley Cooper will be confronted by Tommy Cooper, Dominic Cooper, Alice Cooper, Justin Cooper, and Chris Cooper in an attempt to work out what the hell’s going on with this Cooper lark. It needs sorting out once and for all!

The Theory of Everything Will Win Nothing

No, it doesn't!
No, it doesn’t!

From Everything to nothing! Now there be irony!

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