There can be few moments in life more disappointing than buying an ace looking houmous, only to discover it’s rubbish. We had to dwell on this purchasing decision last night, contemplating our failure whilst chewing on a bland concoction of mush.

As you can see from the picture on the left, this thing sounds amazeballs. Beetroot, cannellini beans, and mint houmous (or hummus, if you insist on spelling it this way). We were sold on the inclusion of mint, frankly, but the other ingredients had us hurtling home from work to taste its brilliance. “Egads!”, we thunked, “This will be the best houmous!” We tore it open and began stuffing it into our stupid faces.

This overexcitement culminated, inevitably, in an anti-climax, as the resulting taste sensation was overwhelmingly underwhelming. There’s nothing particularity wrong with the taste, but this is the problem. It’s as bland as John Major, the most grey and boring Prime Minister in the history of thyme. Indeed, John Major would probably love this houmous. It’s so bland his blandness would positively radiate into an effervescent flower – t’would bloom outwards into a splendiferous butterfly of majesty. Kind of like a Pot Noodle transforming into the Niagra Falls.

This didn’t happen, of course, and the problem, we believe, is the overly healthy nature of this houmous. Being in the “healthy living” range, it’s had its flavour ripped from it by health promoting Communists. Yeah, why have something which tastes good for EVERYONE when you can single out one person in seven billion and make their life worthwhile!?! This is why the houmous is red (well, purple), as it’s a goddamn Commie SOB. For shame!

What it needed was ten tablespoons of sugar, a dollop of jam, and LOADS of mint. Not just a sprig. We hope houmous brands learn from this tragedy. Live and learn. Live… and learn.