The proof is in the pudding: tomatoes are wrong. How wrong? So wrong you could include them in pudding as they’re a fruit. Yes, despite really being a vegetable tomatoes are, in fact, a fruit. Whenever you stuff your stupid face with tomato soup as a starter you are, consequently, having the equivalent of sloppy cake. However, more evil lurks within which what you donut what know could be true!

The proof really is in the pudding. Check out the name. Tom-a-toes. Evidently in the past tomatoes were made out of toes from people called Tom. Indeed, until recent Humanitarian initiatives intervened, anyone called Tom would have their toes sliced off with a cheese grater – the toes were promptly turned into delicious, ripe, healthy fruit spheres. This is the reason tomatoes are red – it’s blood, man. Blood!

This practice was outlawed in the summer of ’64, and since those barbaric days manufacturers of tomatoes have used red hair dye to make their tomatoes keep their distinctive Ferrari red hue. People lap it up – it is said more tomatoes are consumed on Earth each day than there are human beings. This places tomatoes on the Endangered Species list, which has led to NASA taking to the Red Planet in search of red objects which could resemble tomatoes in the distant future. Nostalgia purposes, you see.

There are, of course, those fussy morons whom (and who) don’t like tomatoes. You know, those idiots whom (and who) claim they’re allergic to them so you have to take them off the order in a pub (Mr. Wapojif used to work in a Wetherspoons pub). This would happen often, but the sadly stricken individual with the ailment had no problem with the baked beans side-order. You know, baked beans… which have a goddamn TOMATO BASED SAUCE glooped all over them. Just admit you’re a fussy eater, fool, and let me judge you caustically!

We apologise for our foul mood today but, dammit, tomatoes really get your goat when you really have a solid think about them! The proof really isn’t in the pudding.