Blobs are the topic of today’s FAQs. You may not have much interaction with a blob on a day-to-day basis (unless you’re married to a man, of course!), but blobs are real and they play an essential part in the world’s biodiversity. Let’s take a look so you can find out more about the majestic blob.
Hello! What is blob?
Blob is a spherical-type object that is often sentient, but other times not, depending on the time, location, and sanity of the blob beholder.
You didn’t say “hello” back…
You didn’t say “hello” back When I said “hello”.
[Long pause] So?!
Do you not know how being polite works?
[Long sigh] Okay… hello. There. Are you happy now?
Not really, no.
You’re very mean.
No, we’re not. Very mean would be us punching you in the face and calling you a stupid moron. We’ve not done that!
Oh, Christ not this again… okay, we apologise for being mean. Does that make you feel better? Here, have an ice cube to cheer you up.
[Sniffle] Don’t want ice cube…
How about a potato, will that do it?
[Sniffling] No… it won’t…
Christ! We don’t have time for this. Pull yourself together otherwise you’ll get a punch in the face! But take this potato anyway, we have too many of them. Here… take it! [forcefully rams potato into FAQs participant’s hands]
[Throwing the potato back] Don’t want it…
You’re going to pick that up, right now, and you’re going to sit there, eating it, and enjoy the experience. OKAY?!
[Takes back potato]
Are you ready?
Now… ASK US QUESTIONS ABOUT BLOBS, DAMMIT!
Erm… was that 1958 film any good?
Yes, it’s good fun. There’s also a 1988 remake of sorts. Behold both trailers for your blobtastic needs.
Well, they’re great. Do I really need to eat this potato?
It’s not cooked or anything….
So? Do you think people in ancient history were able to cook them?
Well, yes. Actually.
LOL! Yeah? What with? Ancient Rome’s electric oven!?
No, like with boiling water or whatever.
They didn’t have boiling water in the past. Do your research!
Well, they did, like by heating water with fire. Here, look, there’s a wikipedia article about it [hands over smartphone with wikipedia article opened about boiling water]
[Extremely long pause – we’re talking 10+ minutes here]
You’ve been very quiet for, like, 10 minutes now… should I Leave?
NO, YOU SIT RIGHT BACK THE HELL DOWN!
Who’s your source!?
What? Like gravy, or something?
NO! Your source! Who gave you this information!?
Wikipedia?! And who’s their source!?
Well, I don’t know. Ketchup, I guess.
Not sauce, you cretin, source! Source! Who wrote the thing?
Oh, well Wikipedia wrote the article.
Wikipedia writes these articles? Is it funded by the state?
What is its politcal message?
Is it for or against the banning of blobs?
Is there anything you do know?
Yeah, you can edit pages at free will.
Free Willy? That was a film about orcas from the early 1990s. How is that relevant?
No, free will. Like, you can, like, edit every page on Wikipedia if you want to.
Jesus Christ… you mean. You mean, we can go on Mariah Carey’s Wikipedia page and change her name to Mariah “Underpants” Carey?!
Well, yes, but that would be wrong on a moralistic front and…
Good… God! A platform where we can edit history?
Do I still need to eat this potato?
We can change the world! Free editing of everything… it’s like a, kind of, utopian dream. You just have to hope people hold such responsibility… responsibly.
Hello? Do I need to eat this potato?
And Mariah “Underpants” Carey… it’s not slander if it’s funny, right?
Erm… I’m going to put this potato down and leave now.
Her music is terrible, but if she wants to argue against the underpants bit than that’s a different story.
Okay, I’m going now. Bye.
And then, of course… where are you going? Hey. Come back! Oh, he’s gone. Why were we even here to begin with?
[Professional Moron apprentice] Sir, we is running an faQs about the history of blobs.
You’re a ****ing blob! Now get out of here and make our tea!