This morning Mr. Wapojif wanted a lie in but couldn’t realise his dream as he had to go and rob a bank. Such is the peril of amateur hooliganism. Once he returned from jail after lunch (in the UK bank robbery typically warrants a police warning – Mr. Wapojif acquired a meagre 30p in fiscal non-emolument during the entire escapade), he wondered about what matters most in life: Lions or lie-ins.

On the surface of it, they may not appear to be relatable in any way at all. Whilst this holds some truth, it’s also a blatant lie. Why? As lions have lie-ins too, you know! Indeed, great big massive ones. It’s been noted, if one wakes a lion during its lie-in you’re going to find the thunderous beast chasing you at high speed across the plains of Antarctica. Or wherever you find lions these days.

Anyway, which is better: Lions or lie-ins? We had a damn good think about it to find an answer.

What’s so great about a lie-in?

Lie-ins are an oddity in life. You usually only ever want one when you could do with one, but have to rob a bank, or go to work, when this feeling arrives. During one’s days off, one typically doesn’t want a lie-in, leaving one to curse one’s existence in an existential and self-aware manner.

When you finally do get a lie-in, it’s pretty neat. You lie there drifting in and out of lucid dreams before finally finding the urge to go to the toilet for a No. 1 too strong to ignore. One must, unfortunately, associate a lie-in with the need to evacuate one’s bladder. Not wishing to be puerile about the matter, but it’s a fact of life.

Lie-ins are comfy and fun, though, but are packed with a downside. You have one option: get up and begin your day, or wet the bed. Mr. Wapojif is 31 and prides himself, like Dr. Niles Crane from Frasier, on his excellent bladder control. As a result, this sense of pride means he must dash to the bog to uphold his honour.

It’s damn annoying, though, so we’re awarding lie-ins 7/10. Overrated? You bloody bet!

What’s so great about a lion?

There are many great lions from the history of everything. For instance, there’s Leo the Lion from MGM’s legendary film introduction on their logo. An iconic introductory thing for the film industry, MGM first used it in 1924 with Slats the lion. Several more followed, but the one we’re all familiar with is, of course, Leo. He’s been in use since 1957. Roar!

There’s Aslan from those books, too, and the Cowardly Lion from the Wizard of Oz. Then there’s Tony the Tiger from the cereal range Frosties. His infectious motto “They’re grrreat!” remains so infectious we believe we’ve developed a skin condition due to it. Kellogs – lawsuit ahoy!

Lions in the wild have a great white shark thing about them – terrifying yet awesome. Frankly, watching them one must presume it’s great being a lion. Lounging about sleeping, and then demolishing an antelope whenever one gets hungry. They’re ace, too, so we’re giving lions 10/10. Deal with it.

Lie Ins vs Lions Conclusion

We love lions. We like lie-ins. Clearly there’s a winner here, as “like” and “love” are two very different things. Indeed, the difference between the two is so vast it’s like claiming the distance to the local manicure shop is “not too far” compared to Jupiter which is “a bit of a ways further”. And we’re not even sure that makes sense!

Ultimately, tomorrow morning when we lie there having a lie-in, we’ll think of the lions and wonder why we can’t have a Kafkaesque metamorphosis and wake up in the morning wishing to feast on zebras and what not. Plus you could wet yourself liberally and no one would complain! Why? As you’d be a bloody lion! What are lions? Enormous cats with massive teeth. Get annoyed by anyone, you can decapitate at will. Cripes, the power!