Exclusive Invention: Stereopoly (for a better sounding Monopoly)

Monopoly in stereo
Time to liven up boring old Monopoly with a bit of stereo!

Monopoly is a fun game which was invented in 1903 and has been allowing families to bankrupt each other ever since. It’s a bit stupid, in 2016, it still only uses a monophonic channel of transmission, though. This is an era of smartphones, selfies, selfie sticks, and houmous sandwiches – what’s with the bloody mono?

This is why we’ve invented Stereopoly. It’s Monopoly… but in glorious stereo! “What is stereo, again?”, you grumble. It’s sound which is channelled through at least two speakers. Pretty luxurious, right? Well, for a board game all about money, we think it’s about time it got upgraded to a modern day experience.


As always, multiple board game enthusiasts can take to it and bag those all important locations, such as Old Kent Road, those goddamn tax squares, and having to go to jail for simply landing on that copper. What is all that about? Normally, one goes to jail for offenses such as theft and arson, but simply landing on a square sends you to jail?! Fascists!

Meantime, when not in jail, you wrack up locations, build houses, hotels, and bankrupt your stupid competitors. If you’re like Mr. Wapojif’s sister, you’ll also promote yourself as banker and steal money to gain an illegal advantage over your oblivious fellow players. There’s some Machiavellian craft right there.

Of course, it’s not a Professional Moron invention unless it’s causing some sort of harm to your health! This is where the stereo element of Stereopoly enters the mix. In glorious stereophonic sound, and at 130 dB (just shy of being able to outright burst your eardrums, and along the lines of a military jet aircraft taking off) for every notable action, players will be delighted by a complimentary sound effect!

Indeed, can you imagine landing on Old Kent Road and the automated electronic voice booming out in stereo: “YOU HAVE LANDED ON OLD KENT ROAD!”? This will occur with every single square you land on, ensuring all members of your Stereopoly game know exactly what is occurring at all times. It’s cutting edge stuff!


Haha, yes, you will be left a bit hard of hearing after playing Stereopoly! If the noise is a bit too much for you, we’ve thoughtfully provided earplugs for up to four people to ensure you’re not outright deafened as the game advances.

These are particularly important if anyone lands on the “Go To Jail” square, which begins blaring a police siren at an ear-piercing 200 dB (roughly 40 dB less than a nuclear explosion, just to be safe). Believe us, you’ll need those earplugs for that!

Stereopoly will be available in stores in time for Christmas priced just £30 ($50). Players will also be delighted to know there are several unique characters to choose beyond the standard dog, car, and iron. This time around, you’ll be able to play as an axe-wielding maniac, irritating Hipster, or the mayhem-inducing, self-absorbed pregnant lady with pram and several other out-of-control kids. Pre-order today!


    • As far as I’m aware it’s in South East London. In the Monopoly London versions it’s famous for being £10 to buy and offering virtually no funds if anyone lands on it. As a kid, I always used to buy it anyway. I don’t recommend staying there. If you’re in London, sleep in Buckingham Palace.


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